Have you seen the recent campaign by Transport For London to be careful in tube stations? If you haven’t, Google it. The commercials show random people filmed on CCTV having accidents in various tube stations. It’s great because what Transport For London fails to mention is that everyone is hammered. You want to know how you got home last Friday night? London Underground’s Big Brother-style TV can tell you. And yes, you looked like an asshole.
I remember when a German friend came over to visit. We were out on a Friday night using the underground. She was impressed by how well-dressed the homeless people of London were. What she was actually looking at were city workers in an alcoholic stupor, sleeping off a ‘post-work tipple’. Did I mention that it was 8.30pm?
Friday is the big night for binge drinking in London. This may explain why, at dusk, the city looks like Night of the Living Dead. I was told that the binge drinking stems from the old closing hours of 11pm for pubs. So people would head straight to the pub after work and skip dinner.
The prevailing philosophy is that eating is cheating. Especially when you wake up the next day to a half-eaten kebab smeared across your pillow.
One of my favourite modes of drunk commuting is the night bus. The difference between the bus and the tube is that people don’t try to talk to you on the tube. The bus is an open playing field. You don’t want to talk? Then I suggest you don’t make eye contact.
One Friday evening, I made the fatal mistake of bringing a bag of hot chips onto a night bus. Have you ever brought fresh brains to a zombie apocalypse? Well this can’t be much different. As soon as I stepped onto the bus, the undead started stirring. I tried to keep my eyes to the floor but even this manoeuvre could not protect me. In fairness, I have been that person who salivates when the bus is filled with the scent of Eau de Chip. It was thoughtless. I should have known better.
I heard a shout from the corner of the bus, ‘What a tiny little bag! Look at that tiny bag of chips! You scared to get a burger you skinny bitch?!’ Wow, I was shocked. I have not been called a skinny bitch since… ever. I looked up at my accuser to thank them with a smile and, to my surprise, it was a woman. She continued to yell at me, except now she obviously felt that I should get off the bus and was banging repeatedly on the bell.
Now, it is important to mention that I don’t put up with bullying, drunk or sober. I am not one to stand by and just take it. So I said my goodbyes to my golden slices of joy and started to offer everyone on the bus a chip. To my disgust, they all took some. My plan to outwit the drunk girl left me sans chip.
Let this be a cautionary tale to any of you thinking of taking hot chips onto a night bus. Just remember – only one of you is getting off.
Annabel O'Connell is a comedian who has been described as a funny Charlize Theron from a distance in the right light with a squint.
Pictured: Night bus, Annabel O'Connell
