It all started when an energy healer told me that to ‘unblock my abundance’, I needed to do stand up comedy. I had no idea what she was talking about. I had no desire to do stand up comedy. I enjoyed watching it but had never considered doing it, in fact the idea absolutely terrified me. I mean why would anybody want to do such a thing?
First of all, I found a course at Angel Comedy Club – It was raw exposure to the art. I was introduced to comedy basics, met an amazing group of wonderful, kind people and had my first attempt at five minutes on stage. I felt like a rabbit in the headlights, and something began to dawn on me.
I realised that the imposter syndrome which I had suffered from all my adult life was actually a fear of being seen and visible. I felt that I am ‘too much’ for a lot of people so I make myself smaller to be acceptable. It’s too dangerous to be my full authentic self, especially on a stage. I mean, who did I think I was to take up space, have a voice, a valid seat at the table, or say something worth hearing?
There is something special about the way Funny Women and the Glitter Challenge held a safe space for me, allowed me to be vulnerable, work out what my funny is without any pressure, in a non-competitive environment. They used iconic venues like RADA, Pineapple Studios and the Groucho Club for a series of bootcamps and even an Edinburgh preview show, which all added to the experience.
Pictured above: cohort from the Stand Up to Stand Out Summer School which preceeded our Edinburgh Preview at the iconic Groucho Club in London.
It was a gentle way to expand the nervous system without creating a mental collapse or feeling overwhelmed. This allowed me to challenge my mindset.
I had an ongoing dialogue with ‘Little Carla’ during the process reassuring her that I was capable and she could take a seat and watch me perform. ‘Little Carla’ had always believed that it was safer to keep quiet than step on stage and speak into a microphone. I thanked her for keeping me safe all this time and told her that it was safe to speak up now.
‘Little Carla’ was the imposter who didn’t have confidence in my ability to let go and perform as ‘Big Carla’ so I had to step up and practice in front of people. I was teaching my younger self to have the trust and confidence to let go, make mistakes and eventually fly.
Along the way I pulled in all the help I could get. I did a nervous system course, building bigger capacity to cope, I had hypnosis, Chinese medicine, a fascia medicine course, embodiment.
I learnt along the way that all the pain I had stored in my body previously was coming to the surface after each performance until the nervous discharge got easier to manage. As my body got more exposed to my nerves, I learned to stretch the boundaries a little more each time. The adrenalin ‘hangovers’ became more manageable and I took less time to recover.
The pain that I felt in my body from years of bracing and being hypervigilant in fight or flight mode, appeared as I became stressed in the run up to a performance and immediately after. Recovery became quicker and easier the more I performed as I realised how tightly I had held myself physically over the years.
Working with the mentoring team at Funny Women gave me space to work it out, to feel it in my body and not my head. There were tears but the other Challengers and mentors surrounded me with love, support, hugs and encouragement. I am a truly changed woman.
Pictured above clockwise: me with my arms out open like I am taking on the world; with the full Glitter Challenge cohort on stage at the Edinburgh Fringe; my amazing mentor, Monica Gaga; a cocktail to celebrate my performance and a hug from lead mentor and host Lucy Ryan!
There were meltdowns at home, where I felt the fear could overwhelm me but didn’t. I used meditations and the nervous system resets that I had learnt to help. I had the support of my husband, children and friends who listened to me run my lines time and time again.
Taking part in the Glitter Challenge made me realise that the environment I grew up in could not hold my emotional ‘bigness’ without feeling overwhelmed so I had adapted and learned to contain, indeed mask my true self. But this was not meant to be permanent.
I had never been told that I no longer needed my childhood survival strategies to keep me safe. The shame I felt was never ‘turned off’ and this process has recalibrated my central nervous system. Now I feel brave and safe enough to try out new experiences.
Funny Women has given me permission to exist in my fullness, slowly and safely, embodying a comedy persona that is true to myself. I finally abandoned the imposter and enjoyed my moment on stage!
I had a moment in Edinburgh where I did forget my lines and, whereas in the past I would have considered myself a failure, I recovered and even made a joke out of my lapse of memory. After the initial disappointment, I realised that the worst had happened and I had survived. Nobody died, and the show carried on. In fact, nobody really noticed or cared. I had not self-abandoned. Maybe that was the whole point of the entire journey?
The energy healer was right. The vibes I had been emitting were low frequency. Now I can stand in my own power. No more self-abandonment. No more playing small. I’m now shining in my own light and being my true self.
To prove the point, I will be performing again with my fellow Glitter Challengers on Wednesday 30th September at The Comedy Store London. Please book to support us, all the details are here, and I am proud to be supporting The Glitter Project, which is where it all started in Nottingham last year!
Ed Fringe Pictures by Hela Wozniak-Kay #HelaIphoneSnapper @totallyhela @sistersnog
