In the summer 2001 my mother frogmarched me to the doctors for a suspected eating disorder. I’d simply limited my Hob Nob intake and developed a small obsession with the gym (for a very good reason). My doctor suggested that I begin a food journal. Well, this all seemed rather boring and unnecessary to me, however it did inspire me, to start penning a normal diary, I am after all one of the Dawson’s Creek generation and that’s precisely the sort of thing those jumped up tossers did. Around about this time it had dawned on me I was still a virgin and shortly after that epiphany the unimaginable horror that was 9/11 happened. Nothing of this scale had ever happened in my lifetime before. This fear was not helped by the Daily Mail and Sophia in Spanish class constantly scare-mongering. So combine my poor performance in the de-flowering race with the all-consuming fear that we were going to be blown up at any moment and you have a girl on a mission to get that cherry well and truly popped! I’ve decided to share with you over the coming weeks my hideous diary entries…
7th October 2001
I’m sooooooooo depressed. Mum went to a Boxercise class and not only did she piss herself laughing with Sandra (and I mean literally piss herself, sooooooo embarrassing) as she ran out still laughing (and probably still pissing) she bumped into Tim who told her it was his last day!!!!!
I’ve eaten an entire bag of Malteasers (the big ones you get in the cinema) and a Viennese Whirl and listened to the Bridget Jones soundtrack (mainly Out Of Reach by Gabrielle) on repeat. I really don’t know what I’m going to do? I could text him again but I don’t know what to say? Please hurry up and finger me because there is only one virgin (me) left in my Latin class?! Also I’ve only got 10p credit left and I need to text Chelsea to tell her to ring me so we can plot how I’m gonna bump into him again. Maybe I can play on Dads second affair guilt and make him buy us a puppy and I can walk it in all the dog walking spots till I bump into him?
I can’t believe all those squats were for nothing. I’m never going to have to bend into position of the fortnight now! I’ll probably get desperate and end up losing it in a park and ruin my trainers. When we did the virginity losing tree in Latin two of the girls ruined their trainers! One girl did it in a bush in the rain and they got all muddy and one lost a shoe and told her mum she gave it to the homeless man that sits outside the bingo hall.
Loads of girls said they were first fingered on holiday, well no Spanish waiters offered to finger me! And now I’m not even gonna get a kiss from Tim. Not even a kiss! I also can’t believe his two last memories of me will be my weird text – “can’t talk watching fat people on Jerry Springer” – and my mother pissing herself laughing because she can’t skip!
Sometimes I feel guilty thinking about fingering on a Sunday… I think it stems from wanting to be a nun when I was younger… Well wanting to be Maria in the Sound Of Music or that shy one in Sister Act.
Caitlin has got a new boyfriend and they’re doing it all the time. He is horrible. He works at Pets At Home and is so grubby I just wanna hose him down. She threw me and Chelsea out of her house the other day so they could have sex and I was locked out so we just sat on her lawn in the rain until we decided to let down his bike tyres and ran and hid behind the petrol station. I don’t think it was out of jealousy because of all the sex just more that we were cold and wet and he needs a good wash.
I suppose that was very immature and not something Tim would find funny. But who cares, I’m never gonna see him again anyway, he didn’t let me know he was leaving and he will probably never want to do it in his car like in Titanic anyway. I wonder if Bridget Jones is out on video yet? I need to watch it again as quite frankly I think this diary rubbish is turning me into her except she has a loads of sex. Our mothers are pretty similar too.
I’m just gonna spend my time dancing and revising and forget about Tim and just have to start college a virgin… At least I’ll still have my trainers.
P.s I ate a Cherry Bakewell whilst writing this and I’ve burned no calories today.
P.ps Maybe if Tim knew I could do the splits he’d be interested again?
