In the summer 2001 my mother frogmarched me to the doctors for a suspected eating disorder. I’d simply limited my Hob Nob intake and developed a small obsession with the gym (for a very good reason). My doctor suggested that I begin a food journal. Well, this all seemed rather boring and unnecessary to me, however it did inspire me, to start penning a normal diary, I am after all one of the Dawson’s Creek generation and that’s precisely the sort of thing those jumped up tossers did. Around about this time it had dawned on me I was still a virgin and shortly after that epiphany the unimaginable horror that was 9/11 happened. Nothing of this scale had ever happened in my lifetime before. This fear was not helped by the Daily Mail and Sophia in Spanish class constantly scare-mongering. So combine my poor performance in the de-flowering race with the all-consuming fear that we were going to be blown up at any moment and you have a girl on a mission to get that cherry well and truly popped! I’ve decided to share with you over the coming weeks my hideous diary entries…
October 4th 2001
Didn’t feel like writing last night as a) too knackered from bloody dancing b) I nearly died and wanted to think a few things over and c) I think I may have given away the fact I’m only 15 and have no sexual experience…
I hadn’t replied but went to the gym (mainly to tell him about my near death experience which I felt would be better told in person) but he just laughed… Apparently the whole of West Quay getting evacuated is not classed as a near death experience…
Well me and Chelsea were very scared as the alarms went off whilst we were in Jane Norman… We hadn’t even had our Haagan Daaz lunch! We both decided then and there to always have an ice cream lunch in case the place really does get bombed and we would die unhappy with empty bellies.
He asked me why I hadn’t replied yet and I said I was still in shock after the Jane Norman evacuation. He just laughed again but like, patted me on the head and winked!!! He winked! So when I got home I replied saying I was finding the plan quite difficult and could do with some help, he then said “oh do you? What kind of help ;)” I then panicked and said “Nothing like that!!!! Can’t talk watching Fat People on Jerry Springer” and he hasn’t replied! Oh My God why I am such a dick wank idiot?!!!!!!!! I don’t actually understand what happened?! I’ve been waiting for him to notice me for months, then I was waiting weeks for a txt a txt which would lead me to eventually doing it and now I’ve run off scared.
I’m gonna avoid the gym forever and delete his number… No I won’t do that… Should I? No, I’m gonna avoid the gym till I’ve dropped a stone, saved enough money to dye my hair honey blonde like J.Lo and then run on the treadmill with my hair down and as close to slow motion as possible… Whilst Kylie’s new album plays.
Alex from my old Drama class is txting me tonight… He’s nice and he’s fit but he’s my age and doesn’t have a red Nissan Sunny… He doesn’t even have a car… And he’s not Tim… Also we have the same name and that could cause complications. Also the only reason he’s still txting me is because Liam stole my phone when we were at the beach and txt him saying “I want your big cheesy cock in my mouth” and despite the amount of times I’ve told him it wasn’t me I think he still thinks I want to… Why would I say “cheesy”? Why would anyone say that?
Speaking of Liam – he’s got hot recently, shouldn’t have let that one slip me by…. But he’s with Chloe now and they’re so in love and doing it all the time. Anyway he’s not as hot as Tim… Maybe I should send Tim a cock in mouth message? Just without the cheesy bit? Nooooo I can’t do that – I don’t want to look like a total slag. Right! I’m gonna delete his number… Or maybe I should get closure like Rachel in Friends? Hmmm but Ross and Rachel were actually together… I’ve just sent a weird txt message. I’m gonna delete his number and focus on dancing and my exams. I wonder how many virgins are left in my year? If there’s loads left I won’t panic and I’ll delete his number but if there aren’t many I will panic and txt him again… Latin will be a good place to get this information… We can sit at the back and make lists. I bet there isn’t anyone left that hasn’t been fingered though… I think it’s best to keep his number.
