Copywriters are scary people. I’m not kidding, and I’m one of them.
To the outsider, it may appear that working with words for a living gives people an unusually low tolerance for a poor turn of phrase. In reality, that tolerance is zero, and even if we deign to laugh politely at your faux pas, you can be certain that it has not actually been forgiven. And yes, the title of this article is a pun rather than a typo. Deal with it.
I make no secret of the abject rage I experience in the face of a misplaced apostrophe. If just one punctuation mark can inspire such vehement loathing, imagine what your awful sentences are doing to my soul.
I’d like to share some of my most hated phrases with you, in what will probably be a vain and pointless attempt to get some of you to stop. If you recognise any of these things as staples of your own vocabulary, I’d advise you to invest in a few rolls of duct tape. You’ll probably need more than one.
“Oh, it’s always in the last place you look.” – Well, duh. I don’t know about you, but generally I find that once someone has found the thing they were looking for, THEY STOP LOOKING.
“Can I ask you a question?” – You just did. That’s one question down, and you haven’t discovered anything useful. If this was a genie and the lamp situation, you’d be screwed.
“Can I make a suggestion?” – No. Here’s the thing: if you’re going to give me the opportunity to ignore you and your insane idea about where a bloody semicolon should go, I will.
“What I’m saying is…/All I’m saying is…” – Yes, I know. You’re saying it right now. I don’t think there’s any need to clarify the fact that words are coming out of your mouth, especially not with more of them.
“At the end of the day…” – Why are we talking about a situation that’s only going to happen at 11.59pm? None of us will be in the office. Do I need to wait for the sun to set before we continue this conversation? I have places to be.
“Let’s thrash this idea out.” – Under no circumstances should you ever invite me to beat you with a stick. I have waited for this day for months, and your hasty backtracking will not stop my advance.
“Do you got a Matalan card, izzit?” – GET OUT. GO HOME. You fail at life. I was on the receiving end of this gem a few years ago, and it’s stuck with me much in the same way as, say, stigmata or an unfortunate encounter with a rose bush. I wince every time I think about it.
Your best bet might just be to say nothing at all, or to communicate via some elaborate sequence of eyebrow gestures. But heaven help you if you still get that apostrophe in the wrong place.
