It’s January! That means dieting, yay! Because clearly you overdid it at Christmas dinner – that’ll teach you not to measure out your gravy with a pipette. And that celebratory glass of fizz to see in the New Year coincidentally had about 2014 calories in it, too. It’s time to run, swim, skip, foxtrot or maybe even oscillate those pounds back off. All around you, friends are taking out frankly extortionate gym memberships that they’ll quietly cancel in April and never speak of again.
I’ve personally had one of the best Christmases yet as far as food goes. I went ‘back home’ from the big city, so naturally I felt I needed to contribute to the food budget and prove to my parents that I’m a successful, independent and financially comfortable adult at last. Turns out we eat rather a lot and we drink like a three-strong school of fish.
I feel like I should have taken out a personal loan before entering the supermarket. Anyone who’s looked in their fridge in the last few days and can still see the last few chunks of £55 turkey peeping out at them might well think an austerity diet’s not such a bad idea. I’d be inclined to disagree, though, human garbage disposal unit that I am.
January is one of the coldest months of the year, so spending it eating mainly raw, bland, unsubstantial foods in an attempt to lose a few inches isn’t the smartest idea anyone’s ever had. I have watched enough people shiver and turn blue while they mournfully pick at their crunchy leaf salad to know that it’s not enjoyable. On top of that, in low temperatures you really need all the body fat you can get. You don’t see anyone knocking a seal for being a bit portly. “Yes, we know it’s the Arctic and all that, but have you seen the size of that walrus? Disgraceful.”
If you really feel a need to ‘beat the bulge’ right now, don’t jump straight in and stockpile Quorn. When people say that a diet is one of the best ways to lose pounds, they don’t mean in weight. Your wallet is going to slim down far more quickly than you are. Most of the inflated cost of low-calorie foods is spent to operate the imaginary machine that carefully extracts the calories one by one for your convenience. Sure, picking out lots of fresh fruit and veg can work out a bit cheaper than pre-packed – until you return from another cheeky trip to Nando’s (peri chips count as a vegetable, right?) and find it’s all gone off a few days later. So you chuck it all out and repeat ad infinitum.
Diets are not something that I ever do, especially as my BMI is somewhere in the range of “…you weigh how much?”. I also eat like it’s going out of fashion, which feels a little truer these days than I’m comfortable admitting. There are two current theories about me: either my legs are hollow, or my stomach is a secret portal to another dimension. My rule is that I’ll eat what I damn well like, and I like a lot of things. I don’t see the point in depriving myself – just like me, life is too short. Have an indulgent 2014!
