You’re single and you’re horny, and tonight’s the night. You’ve got your pre-drinks, got your cash out, an outfit lined up that you believe to be effortlessly cool, and a wingman (or woman) at the ready. So why is it that, when going out on the prowl, the chances of actually getting some immediately fall to a devastatingly low possibility?
First of all, stop trying to get laid. There is nothing less attractive than a (probably genuinely very nice) guy or girl stealthily surveying the dance floor, desperately trying to catch and maintain any member of the opposite sex’s eye contact in order to move in for the kill.
Girls shimmying around wearing strips of material barely concealing their *special place*, half arsedly grinding on drooling puppies of men who make no attempt to hide the fact that this dance-floorplay is just a means to an end: the hard-earned bone (in both senses of the word).
If the student population would just relax, have a laugh, dance like the awkward, self-conscious goons everyone secretly is, a lot more people would go home with much more compatible partners, instead of the dreary partnership of the lad who’s hard-on has been clumsily thumping all night against the bum of the girl who’s outfit disappointingly leaves nothing to the imagination.
Don’t get too drunk. We’ve all heard the horror stories. People throwing up in each other’s beds and mouths, and on each other’s genitalia. People getting so intoxicated that they don’t remember the club, let alone the name of who they left it with. Face planting on the doormat, passing out during, falling off the bed; all of these things can be avoided, if singletons were not so reliant on alcohol to fuel their sexual conquests.
Actually talk to your prey. Once you know you’re in there, in fact preferably before you do, it’s nice to get to know each other first. Even if you have to make the trek to the smoking area to hear yourself speak, actually finding out more about your fellow sex-seeker will make it much more likely that your one night stand will become a more regular thing. Or, at the very least, you’ll part on good terms in the morning. Getting to know someone beyond what type of underwear they’re wearing is never a harmful tactic, and the other person, whether male or female, will appreciate this kind of attention, as well as the more physical signs you are so unsubtly giving.
No one likes to be treated as a piece of meat, used only as a one-time confidence booster. Besides, the truth is, in the real world, a keen eye of spotting who’s DTF, an acceptable grasp of the music’s rhythm and the adrenaline from the four vodka shots you consumed beforehand will not be enough to ensure that sex is on the cards.
Because when we get too old for clubs and parties, we need to have game in an entirely different sense; as boring as it sounds, good conversation and a genuine interest in the other person’s life are probably the tactics that’ll work. It’s mundane, but it’s reality. So it’s about time we start practising.
Victoria Karpinski
Victoria is a student studying English at Leeds University. Watch out for more articles from her in the New Year!
