Lately, bad decisions from my past have been keeping me awake at night (I, of course, blame that arsehole COVID-19, like I do for everything at the moment – including my painful, cracked heels). Just as I’ve been nodding off, I’ve awoken with a jolt as these memories hitchhike a ride on my peaceful journey to Sleepy, Sleepy Dreamy Land (everyone calls it that, right?) causing me to stop off at Junction What Were You Thinking You Silly Twat, with very little chance of ever leaving.
Now, I’ve always been the type of person who gets an idea into my head and really runs with it. But this isn’t me being smug, because these ideas are more often than not, bad and I more often than not, fail. I don’t seem to have the ability of foresight, only hindsight after the proverbial horse has very much already bolted.
So, I thought just for fun (and because my dear friend, Kate said it might make a good article) I would share with you all my Top Five ‘Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time, But Very Much Turned Out to be a Hideous Mistake and Will Keep You Awake at Night During a Global Pandemic in 2020, And No You’re Not Married Yet’ worst decisions of my life so far.
Buckle up…
At Number 5
The time I decided to look more professional in my job, so thought wearing kitten heels would do the trick. I wore them for one week, hobbling along like I had shat myself (to be fair I could well have done, please see previous article), and then rolling my ankle resulting in me having to wear a bandage and bulky trainers for six weeks.
Number 4
The time I insisted on wearing 100 denier tights throughout the entirety of summer 2007, resulting in the most vicious bout of thrush I have ever experienced in my life. It was so bad, I was walking around like I’d shat myself for weeks (again, see previous article).
Number 3
The time I tried to surprise my ex-boyfriend with a night of passion, but instead set myself on fire by leaning over a lit candle. Him screaming “drop and roll!” will be burnt into my mind forever. As will the third degree burn on my inner left thigh.
Number 2
The time the warm-up act was running late for a TV show I was working on and I volunteered to do it – I mean, how hard could it be? Turns out, very. There is nothing more sobering than a sea of blank faces as you repeatedly ask them ‘have you come far?’ as your boss mutes you from the gallery. I salute you, warm-up artists!
And in at Number 1
The time I decided to propose to my ex-boyfriend after three months of no contact as we’d quite rightly broken up, but I thought a grand gesture would fix everything. And yes I did get down on one knee, yes it was raining and yes I regretted it as soon as the words were coming out my mouth to the dulcet tones of Matchbox 20 gently playing from my car in the background. He said no by the way – obviously.
So, that’s my Top Five list. I’d love to say I’ve learnt from each and every one of them, but put it this way, I have a book on how to keep bees winging its way to me – what could possibly go wrong?
