As Valentine’s Day approaches, and declarations of love written atop of pictures of sunsets start clogging up my eye space, I’ve been thinking about all the things in my life which I genuinely couldn’t live without. Boyfriends are great, but they are also dispensable. Like Bic razors. What about all the other things in life which never get the love and affection they deserve?
So here are 10 cheesy love quotes, and 10 things in my life which I actually feel that way about:
‘You are the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning, and the last thing I think about when I go to bed at night.’
Breakfast
Sometimes when I wake up I want love, but mostly I want breakfast. I couldn’t live without breakfast, both on a practical level, and also because of the physical and emotional strength I get from having a granola-based support slab inside of me. If I don’t have breakfast, I am 95% more likely to cry that day. If I wake up and I don’t have a boyfriend, I am no more or less likely to cry. Unless I haven’t had breakfast. In which case it’s by 95%.
‘You make me happier than I ever knew I could be.’
My eyebrow pencil.
Without eyebrows, there are no emotions. Before I discovered light brown kohl as a teenager, I was unable to communicate my feelings to any of my friends. Now, my eyebrow pencil is always there for me, helping me show people whether I am angry or mildly amused, and stopping my face from looking like a bald man’s head.
‘You give me butterflies in my tummy.’
Lattes
If it wasn’t for lattes, I probably wouldn’t have written this article; because they would have been like, ‘Tamar, you can’t sit in this cafe for three hours using our wifi and only order… oh wait, you didn’t even order latte. What are doing you here, Tamar?’ It’s an image thing, really: holding a latte makes me feel like I’m in Suits or Ally MacBeal. And I do love the taste, and I am totally addicted to them, even if they cost me monthly more than phone contract and occasionally give me IBS.
‘You light up my life’
Lamps
Guys, how great are lamps? No intention of an Anchorman reference here. I genuinely love lamps. You might say, ‘Tamar, lamps aren’t better than love’, but without lamps there would be no love, because there would be no atmospheric bedroom lighting. Only starkly aggressive main bulb action, making the room about as sexy as a fridge, and everyone who isn’t Beyonce overly aware that their ingrown hairs are on display.
‘You give me shelter from the storm’
My shower cap
Lots of people don’t own shower caps because shower caps are seen in society as being lamer than bum bags. But I love my shower cap. It means I can shower and go straight out after and not have loads of people asking me if I’ve just been swimming. I shower all the time now, sometimes (*she showers*) mid conversation.
‘You make me a better person’
Floss
I am incredibly passionate about dental hygiene. So much so that one time when I was in Thailand with my two best friends, we had a really wild night where we stayed in and I taught them how to floss. This improved their smiles, and arguably had a more positive effect on their lives in the long term than anything else we did that summer.
‘I only have eyes for you’
Contact Lenses
Contact lenses changed my life. Where I’d previously seen someone riding towards me on a bike and thought “fit guy, fit guy, fit… middle aged woman wearing a floral skirt”, contacts allowed me to finally see what a big beautiful place this earth is, and all the things in it that I’d been missing, as well as to better distinguish people’s genders from a distance. I am so grateful for actually being able to actually see stuff now. Even if it is just the lack of date requests in my Happn Inbox.
‘I feel I can be myself with you’
Applicator tampons
Never do I have a worse day than when I’m acutely aware of the fact that there is a tampon inside me. I am incredibly squeamish, to the point that the thought of having organs makes me feel physically nauseous. I have fainted when I’ve had injections, when I’ve had a camera put up my nose to inspect my vocal chords, even when the doctor puts that metal thing in your ear to check your temperature. It’s pathetic. And every time I am faced with the horrific situation of having to use one of those non-applicator tampons, and the awkward, Indiana-Jones level of exploration I’m about to have to go on, I think of how enormously grateful I am to D Earle C. Haas who (according to Google) invented the cardboard applicator in the early 1930s, leading to those plastic pushy things that make the tampon go so far up so easily that you don’t ever have to feel it’s there. Without Mr Doctor Tampon God, I would 25% more unconscious all of the time.
‘You make me feel at home’
My actual home
Since I’ve lived in a shop, I have a newfound appreciation for my Mum and my childhood home, where the sofas are snug and the heating is in existence. I love popping down to Surrey to see my Mum, and most probably will this weekend. She’s always been there for me: when I was eight, I cried because no one bought me a Valentine’s Card, so my Mum bought me one along with a big teddy and signed it as anonymous. When I found out it was her, I ripped up the card and told her I hated her. So really, I deserve to be alone forever.
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! Think of all the long term relationships you’re having without even realizing it, with lattes, comfy insoles, red wine, novelty salt and pepper shakers, the man who works at the Delice de France at Waterloo station who is always really positive about life… I love all of these things. And whilst there are lots of things I could probably live without, there are lots of things in my life that I’m really happy I don’t have to. And if you wake up on Sunday and feel 95% likely to cry.. go get yourself a granola-based support slab and epilate the fuck out of yourself. You gon’ need to be strong for when Baby Daddy finally comes along.
