I’m getting closer and for those family members still asking, no, I’m still not married. While were on the topic, I’m not engaged either, so oops conversation ended, sorry! I can assure you this is the one thing I’m not freaking out about as I approach my thirties, leading me to believe I may have matured (slightly).
Take me back nine years when I was with my first proper BF, the aforementioned playing FIFA whilst I wanked fella, and I was already planning my wedding: Vera Wang dress (highly ambitious seeing as we both worked in call centres), crumbling country mansion, close friends and family only (as if the watchful eye of the worlds press were always looming) and of course walking down the aisle to a Stones track.
Had he proposed I would have blubbed, said yes in an instant and booked my entire wedding before the night was out, skipping off into a life of utter misery for us both. How grateful I am he didn’t. I probably knew, even then, we weren’t meant to be but I would’ve marched ahead with it anyway solely because I was terrified of dying an old maid.
Marriage is a beautiful thing but committing the rest of your life to someone? That’s fucking scary dude. Plus if I had the sort of money one needs for a wedding budget i’d want to spend it on far more important things, like travelling the world and lip fillers.
I’m not saying I’ll never get married, I’m just not that fussed and I’m certainly not going to stress myself out over it. Personally I find it concerning there’s still so many people panicking about it and it’s not just the women, men pop the question for the wrong reason too so basically we all need to chill the fuck out.
However my concern today is that we are fast approaching Valentine’s and 2016 is a leap year. Now ladies, this is not an excuse for you to track that random you shagged from months ago from Tinder and pop the question, nor is it an opportune moment for you propose to that guy who’s always held a torch for you but you’ve never been that fussed. Should panic ensue and your imagination begin to spiral prompting visions of you growing old alone as 5000 cats mew and piss beside you please refer to my little check list:
One.
Do they make you laugh? No? Well then get the hell out, now!
Two.
Are you in the right place? How can you commit your life to someone when you haven’t got yours sorted? They may be perfect but don’t spend a fortune on one day when you can grow together and see if you still want to get married after they’ve seen you stress over that promotion or you’ve got them through their own hardships.
Three.
Do you just want the dress? If so, throw a ridiculous birthday party for yourself and wear an amazing dress.
Four.
Are they your best friend?
Five.
Do they make your fanny flutter?
