In 30 days time I shall turn 30. During the festive season I was shitting it but, surprisingly, I’ve become significantly more relaxed about the whole thing of late.
I’ve no idea why, my life is hardly in order. For instance, I’m writing this, fag in hand, on my iPhone after having to sell my iPad to make rent. I do not own my own property and my career has never been, nor will it ever be, a stable one.
I’ve made a series of ill choices in all areas of life: men, money and make up, but I think I’ve actually begun to embrace it. I’m left to believe what they say is true ‘Life gets better at 30’, ‘You know who you are in your thirties’, ‘Oh your twenties are hideous! Your thirties is when life begins!’ and ‘You know your body when you hit 30’. I’m hoping that one means I remember when my period is coming so I can avoid spending, what must now be in the thousands, on pregnancy tests, convinced I’m with child when actually I’m not due on for another fortnight.
Over the next 30 days I aim to keep you all up to date with any obvious changes in myself during the run up to my birthday. I hope to dispel any myths and keep a truthful account of what it feels like to become a proper adult (your twenties don’t count do they? Mine certainly don’t) but first, before I make the transition into what is meant to be my best decade yet, let me tell you what I’ve done wrong so far…
One.
Stayed in the wrong relationship from the age of 19 to 27. Lovely guy, but I’m sure he will agree we longed it out. Being a romantic I clung on thinking we were just like Kathy and Heathcliff, which we were… If Heathcliff played FIFA every night whilst Kathy wanked herself to sleep, crying.
Two.
Went to drama school. A wonderful experience but an unwise financial choice for someone as irresponsible as I in the middle of a recession.
Three.
Dieting. If you’re under the age of 14 and reading this – which you shouldn’t be, but if you are then apologies for my vile language and, like, just don’t have sex or dye your hair till you’re like 30 okay? And NEVER, EVER DIET! I’ve done them all: Cabbage Soup, Dukan, Atkins, Juice Plus, Weight Watchers, Slimming World (in what world can you eat pasta all day and lose weight? Not a fucking slimming one I can tell you!), the Baby Food Diet… I’ve done them all and am confident in saying the only people who are slim, and stay slim, are those who’ve never dieted. Eat clean and exercise by all means but don’t diet!
Four.
Started smoking: Terrible habit. Personally I blame both Kate Moss and Sandy from Grease. Both looked far too good with a Marlboro between their lips but, unlike me, they have the money to pay for any age reversal treatment that one tends to need after decades of nicotine abuse. Then of course, there’s the health risks.
Five.
Worried about being called a slag or frigid. You can’t win and why should you even care? If you want to sleep with someone, do and if you don’t, don’t.
I may come back to this list on the eve of my 30th to see if I feel any different. Let’s see, shall we – does it all come together in your 30s?
