In the summer 2001 my mother frogmarched me to the doctors for a suspected eating disorder. I’d simply limited my Hob Nob intake and developed a small obsession with the gym (for a very good reason). My doctor suggested that I begin a food journal. Well, this all seemed rather boring and unnecessary to me, however it did inspire me, to start penning a normal diary, I am after all one of the Dawson’s Creek generation and that’s precisely the sort of thing those jumped up tossers did. Around about this time it had dawned on me I was still a virgin and shortly after that epiphany the unimaginable horror that was 9/11 happened. Nothing of this scale had ever happened in my lifetime before. This fear was not helped by the Daily Mail and Sophia in Spanish class constantly scare-mongering. So combine my poor performance in the de-flowering race with the all-consuming fear that we were going to be blown up at any moment and you have a girl on a mission to get that cherry well and truly popped! I’ve decided to share with you over the coming weeks my hideous diary entries…
Before the hideous Fifty Shades of Grey us teens of the early noughties only had dramatisations of sinking ships and remakes of literary classics to base what virginity loss was like on. In this entry a small ray of hope spurs me on in the further planning of my cherry popping.
1st October 2001
Well we’re entering a new month and the world has not ended so I’m feeling slightly more positive about things even though there’s still been no txt, however…
Went to the gym after school and Tim was nowhere to be seen, this initially depressed me until I went to the desk to get my programme and in the place of the flimsy pink sheet of A4 with my generic weight loss plan was a glossy, laminated personal training card from Tim!! It had loads of smiley faces on it and… HIS number at the bottom “If you have any problems just gimme a call!!!!” Oh My God! Oh My God! I am now in possession of Tim’s number! I haven’t txt or rang or anything as that would just be desperate (and also I have loads of homework to do). He must like me! I actually think he’s gonna be the one I give my V. Card to! My realistic timeline could well be falling into place! As you can imagine this led to extra squats in case he wants to do doggy (which is apparently very good and you can still watch Eastenders if you want to).
I’m now starting to panic loads and I’ve got lots of questions like “Do I keep my bra on?” (I’m planning to wear my Front Fastening Wonderbra with the diamanté front fastening clasp and matching thong (see extra squats are definitely needed!!!!!!) and “Do I wait for the blow job drinks tray before I offer a BJ?” Or do I just go with it, wear normal underwear and pretend I wasn’t expecting it and it be lovely and natural like Pacey and Joey in Dawson’s Creek or Ryan Phillippe and Reece Witherspoon’s characters in Cruel Intentions? I love the song that plays when they’re doing it – Colourblind by Counting Crows- I’ve been listening to that soundtrack all night. I think I want the sexiness of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s character but the virginity losing of Reece’s. We were talking about dream virginity losses in History today and when Mrs. Virk put a video on we made a list of perfect TV/Film virginity losses…
1. Jack & Rose in the steamy car on the Titanic with the hand print on the steamy window
2. Romeo coming in from the rain and kissing Juliet as she takes off his Hawaiian shirt and he’s all cut from the fight and they do it then wrap up in all the sheets in the morning before the nurse comes in (Leo & Claire not the old fashioned one).
3. Annette & Sebastian (Reece & Ryan) in Cruel Intentions.
4. Mena Survari and that guy Oz in American Pie.
5. Pacey Witter & Joey in Dawson’s Creek.
6. Leo and the pretty French girl in The Beach – not a virginity loss but we all agreed the sea would be a good place and we’d all be a lot sexier if we were French… Must start paying more attention in French and less in Spanish (not that the Spanish aren’t sexy just that I’m pretty good at Spanish already).
There were more but the list got confiscated and we were asked to explain what the list had to do with concentration camps.
What the hell am I meant to say if I txt first?! “Hi.. I did some extra squats today and am ready for doggy.”? URGH I’m not gonna txt him at all. He should txt first. Especially if I’m gonna lose my V to him. In fairness he thinks I’m older and probably thinks I’m doing doggy all the time.
Got told off in R.E today as we had to plan our own funerals and I chose Madonna’s Like A Prayer as my song which I was told was sacrilegious which, until recently, I thought was good. Apparently it is not.
