In the summer 2001 my mother frogmarched me to the doctors for a suspected eating disorder. I’d simply limited my Hob Nob intake and developed a small obsession with the gym (for a very good reason). My doctor suggested my mum keep an eye on me and that I begin a food journal. Well, this all seemed rather boring and unnecessary to me, however it did inspire me, in my teenage self-indulgent state, to start penning a normal diary, I am after all one of the Dawson’s Creek generation and that’s precisely the sort of thing those jumped up tossers did. Around about this time it had dawned on me I was still a virgin and shortly after that epiphany the unimaginable horror that was 9/11 happened. I remember feeling both hugely saddened but selfishly really scared. Nothing of this scale had ever happened in my lifetime before. This fear was not helped by the Daily Mail and Sophia in Spanish class constantly scare-mongering. So combine my poor performance in the de flowering race with the all-consuming fear that we were going to be blown up at any moment and you have a girl on a mission to get that cherry well and truly popped! But I wasn’t settling for some teenage lad from the boys school down the road, oh no! I had my sights set on a poor personal trainer who I’d lied to about my age… It thankfully never happened and as I’ve decided to share with you over the coming weeks my hideous diary entries, covering my pursuit of FPTT, my actual virginity loss and escaping to London you’ll soon learn why…
In this week’s instalment I take you back to a simpler time when we were all obsessing over Kylie Minogue’s bum and not Kylie Jenner’s lips and put in place an easy to follow plan for a smooth cherry popping.
30th September 2001
La la la, la la la la la, la la la, la la la la la… Can’t get Tim outta my head. That song is becoming the soundtrack of my seduction, also Kylie’s bum is still amazing and makes me work extra hard on the Stairmaster. Sooooooo hungover today despite not getting in anywhere. Went to see Moulin Rouge and spent the entire time imagining Tim and I shagging in his car like Jack and Rose in Titanic… She was a virgin too! Let’s just hope we don’t meet such a grim ending…
My mind then escalated to us fighting for our life and then expected to leave the safety of the cinema and enter into some sort of apocalyptic scene in the car park of Leisure World, still not having had a text from Tim. Sometimes my mind runs away with me so I’m trying to think positive, for example at the end of my mock exam I got bored and created a realistic timeline of mine and Tim’s romance.
Timeline
Very soon start dating – Cinema, walking his dog, picnic on the common, Titanic museum, drives to the New Forest (with dogs… for the walking and to avoid any sex too soon in the style of Jack and Rose) , pub lunches, letting him come to my dance shows, etc.
1 Month in – Laying down kissing
1 month 1 day in – Laying down kissing with hands
1 Month 2 days in – Laying down kissing with hands and maybe oral?
1 Month 1 week in – definitely oral (apparently that’s the best bit!)
16th Birthday – VDay! Preferably after a nice meal and perhaps a hotel stay in London we finally do it. Several times and after the giving of gifts… Hopefully a Tiffany bracelet (heart not oval charm). Then if it really is that good, birthday oral (for me).
Talking of oral, a girl in my R.E class said that when her boyfriend wants a blow job he brings up a tray with a glass of water and then a smaller glass of water for her to put her braces in and that’s how she knows he wants a blow job. Is this normal? Should I keep my eye out for a tray? I don’t have braces so I doubt he’d bother but if he were to have a drink on hand I’d prefer squash… Or perhaps wine to look more mature?
Ate a KFC today as very hungover so I am even further from a Kylie bum… I think a JLo bum is more realistic.
P.S Still no txt…
P.P.S Will prob delay oral until Month 2.
