It's nearly that time of year again when it's perfectly acceptable for children and adults alike to dress up like twats who have crawled from the grave and terrorise strangers into giving them sweets, lest they have their house and/or cars egged. That's right All Hallows Eve is fast approaching. A personal favourite of mine on the social/seasonal calendar as I tend to spend the majority of my working day asking people for sweets, so to have a legitimate excuse serves me well.
Therefore, my abode, 'The House Of Dreams' as it has come to be known – owing to a history of colourful parties and house guests – is to become 'The House Of Horrors', hosting a party that is likely to span for days and, thanks to my housemate, preparations have been well under way for months now. For me it's all very exciting but for some, apparently very daunting. Perhaps it's because I actually revel in a night where I'm allowed, in fact encouraged, to look God awful that I don't tend to panic myself too much over my choice of costume, but the level of fretting I've heard of recently has led me to believe I'm quite alone here. I've come to question whether your choice of ghoulish get up says more about you than I first thought and maybe the agonising decision of what to go as, before spending hours working your fingers to the bone in crafting the perfect ensemble (or just scrolling down pages online) for witching hour is actually justified.
So if you're stuck for inspiration or just feel that it's the perfect occasion for you to announce yourself to the world as a costume designing genius and not just Mel from IT please find below my little guide to mastering the midnight hour this Halloween…
Looking back over the parties I've attended, I've noticed there tends to be certain tribes when it comes to costumes, so identifying which one you belong or gravitate to is key to finding your perfect guise. Or just to avoiding the people that kill your party boner (trust me it's easier to spot those you won't warm to when they're in costume).
First mention should go to The Sick Tribe. They favour deceased celebrities, mass murderers, grim topical affairs and most recently, The Human Centipede has proven to be a popular choice. It's actually quite impressive when done well, but also hideous, although one has to applaud the creative decision to spend the majority of the evening crawling around on all fours, whilst everyone else is towering above you, stamping on your head. These people are out to shock and offend, so if that's your bag start recruiting some beloved friends, who are happy to crawl around with their face in your arse as you master the aforementioned ghastly glory that is The Human Centipede.
Moving swiftly on to The Whacky Wonders. From this crazy bunch you can expect giant items of popular lunchbox fillers (Cheesestrings, Pepperami ,Oreos etc), Fast Food, My Little Pony (horrendous on adults) and TV personalities from the '80s with bad hair. Perhaps owing to the heavy costume and reduced spatial awareness, these people appear to become intoxicated at a much speedier rate than their fellow grisly ghouls and spend the majority of the evening in a drunken state of collapse on the sofa, whilst the idiots dressed as Batman and Robin pose for a series of comedy snap shots (eating the giant burger, sat on the giant burger, saving the giant burger etc). If you don't mind sweating it out under a heavy costume, whilst pissed people charge into your foam exterior then these are the sort of get ups for you. Also can be marvellous for hiding from an ex.
Next we have The Movie Fans – Star Wars, horror movie faves, Tarantino icons (fabulous for Halloween as practically all of his characters end up up murdered, losing limbs only to replace them with weapons or overdosing), Avatar, X-Men, Pink Ladies/T-Birds, Monroe, James Dean and so forth. If at parties you belong in the corner, chain smoking before retiring to snog the hottest person in attendance (or if this is an aspiration of yours) riffle through your film collection and pick a character. Likewise if you're a bit of a movie geek this also works wonders as you'll actually know the entire back story of your creation, making you far more interesting than the cool kids, ergo, you'll get laid.
Following on from this, we of course have The Classic Clique. Witches, Werewolves, Vampires, Ghosts, Zombies and the odd Superhero for the wholesome 'too good a body to be scary' folk. When done with a high level of commitment, these looks are timeless. The little black dress of fancy dress if you will. In turn,they are also wise choices for the first timers or those impromptu moments when you realise you've only been invited to balance out the male/female ratio but are in need of a drink all the same. Similarly if you're a die hard True Blood/Walking Dead or dare I say Twilight fan – step into your moment.
Saints and Sinners still seem to reign supreme, cheap and easy to get hold of last minute, devil horns or halos can be added to simple black, white or red attire with a healthy dose of black eyeliner to complete the look. Some of the hardcore Halloween fans tend to write this lot off as lazy, in some cases they are, in others they just had a bitch of a commute and didn't want to spend the entire tube journey dressed as Edward Scissorhands only not be able to attend because the Scissorhands in question proved difficult when retrieving their Oyster card. S&S is a great option if you're running low on cash or attending a gathering where it's unlikely you'll know anyone.
Finally we have The Sex Kittens. You've seen it a million times – Sexy Bunnies, Sexy Cats, Sexy Mice, Sexy Nurses, Sexy Nuns, there is even a Sexy Sweetcorn costume available online. The general rule of thumb seems to be as long as you team the right headwear with a good portion of cleavage and preferably the majority of your arse too, you can be a sexy anything! The world is your sexy oyster! Sexy Chimneysweep? Sexy Undertaker? Sexy Toilet attendant? I don't have a problem with sexy costumes but I don't feel Halloween is an opportunity to "slut it up" as I recently overheard a 14 year old say, whilst she perused the bunny ears. Personally there is nothing I find more abhorrent than a grown woman in cat ears, a bra (because all cats wear bras don't you know) and teeny knickers. A sexy costume is brilliant, and it's your body to flaunt or not to flaunt, but for the love of God be a bit more creative! Ask yourself, when have you ever seen a cat in lingerie? Shamefully I have to admit I've been pretty much all of the above in my teen years but I can safely say you will spend the bulk of your evening attempting to fish your knickers out of your bum whilst simultaneously fending off gropers.
I feel the same about the men who arrive in nothing but a pair of orange shorts, carrying around a float stating they're "Some dude from that old show…Baywatch?". It's Halloween – at least be a bit imaginative. These minxes can often be found, under the best lighting, Instagraming every moment and gyrating to The Monster Mash. Maybe you've recently shed a lot of weight and want to show your new body off? Perhaps you've had past life regression therapy and discovered you were in fact a cat in your previous existence and want to pay homage to that? But if it's sexy you're after, before clamouring after the last pair of ears or nuns habit, scope out your other options: Mia Wallace (even with a bloody nose and needle protruding from her chest she still looked hot), Morticia Adams (sexy black dress and still the ultimate scary sexpot), any of the characters from the Batman movies. The list is endless and you're less likely to have an uncomfortable and entirely visible wedgie.
Failing all of the above arrive as yourself, armed with a ridiculous amount of booze, so no one will bat an eyelid at your lack of effort, and you'll soon find yourself instantly propelled to guest of honour barging head and shoulders above the rest of us losers.
Alex Neve is an actress/stand up with big love for pesto, gin and anything that will make her bottom appear smaller and slightly firmer. She can do a forward roll (returning to stand) and once directed Geri Halliwell to the Hermes section in Harrods. Her goal this year is to achieve her childhood dream – successfully cross monkey bars. Her personal best to date is bar two. You can follow her on Twitter HERE!
Pictured: Halloween costume idea, below: Alex Neve
