"Things have changed Alex… You are no longer as blonde, thin or flexible as you were when you were last single. You must strike whilst the iron's hot and you're new on the market… My advice? Lose two stone, get a spray tan and change your laugh." Two weeks after walking out on a seven year relationship these comforting words of wisdom left my mother's mouth. Followed by a constant nagging to join a dating site.
One year on and still very much single I'm considering her advice (the dating site – not the two stone & tan bollocks). Am I fretting about being single? No. Do I think that being with a man qualifies me as a person? Not one bit. Do I want a boyfriend? Are you bonkers?! But when the only people you get texts from are your mum, your best friend (purely to tell you how much sex she's having) and Domino's you start to crave a little excitement and there's only so much of a buzz you can get from having the freedom to watch Girls whenever you like and not having to suffer Sky Sports News.
I'm still relatively reluctant however. I don't have a problem with dating sites, I've many a friend happily coupled off or at least getting a regular shag as a result of uploading a flattering picture and waffling on for a paragraph or two about their love of baking and a desire to, one day, do the Inca trail naked for charity. It's not the process I have a problem with – it's the marketing campaigns that put me off: "Imagine how great it would be if everyone you fancied in this carriage was single" asks one site.
Um, would it? Firstly maybe for some of us commuters getting into a relationship (or worst case scenario meeting a psycho who wants to collect pairs of my pants) isn't top of our agenda until you team up with our parents and brainwash us into thinking it is. Targeting tired professionals (I use this term loosely as I'm not the least bit professional) is a cheap ploy. Conning us into thinking we will find this someone on the Bakerloo line is even cheaper. After a day of feeling over worked and unappreciated we can all be forgiven for thinking life would be a hell of a lot easier if we had someone to love us. Someone to greet us with a smile. Someone to run us a bath, cook us linguine and go down on us after a stressful day in the office.
You find yourself scanning the carriage for this grinning, bath running, master chef with a degree in cunnilingus. Will I find him? It's not looking good. The man next to me this morning was carrying a bag full of his own vomit (I know this because he spent the stretch between Liverpool Street to Tottenham Court Road chucking up into his bag for life) and the fellow opposite is causing everyone to want to give him a short sharp slap as he patronisingly corrects his girlfriend's English (have a day off dude – enjoy this hottie whilst you can, the moment she realises you don't know Prince Harry she'll be off). There was quite a cool looking guy towards the end of the carriage but he was airing out his armpits by the window door thingy and I'm pretty certain that's where the waft of B.O originated from. So no, I did not wish anyone from this carriage was single.
Another problem I have is the advice that a certain dating site helpfully dispenses as part of its marketing strategy. "We talked beforehand so everything was set. My only worry was what shoe to wear on a country pub date." I've been there sister, flats are a no no for me, so I would definitely avoid the mustard ballet pump pictured in the ad. You will look stumpy and frumpy. On a side note I really hope these aren't actual quotes because I'm sure the woman would be horrified at the stuffy battered shoe collection used in the poster which suggests she suffers from smelly feet. "I listened to her favourite album before our date so we had something to talk about" is another favourite. This little gem will fuck you up. You'll lose all coolness you may have alluded to when they ask you about the bands little known fourth album during their progressive dance transitional period.
I'm all for dating sites, they seem to be the way forward whatever it is you're looking for whether that be true love, to get over someone swiftly or just have a good time but just say it how it is and don't lead us to believe any of the above will be found around 5.30 on the Docklands Light Rail. If they do insist on carrying on with these hideous campaigns might I suggest a few pointers that would actually prove helpful?
• "I delayed my wax appointment by a fortnight to ensure I didn't put out on the first date."
• "I drank steadily from lunchtime to calm any pre date nerves."
• "To be on the safe side I had my best friend pose as a fellow diner and follow us home in case he/she was a serial killer."
• "I went for three pairs of Spanx instead of the usual two and invested in a series of microdermabrasion sessions so I looked like my online profile."
Alex Neve is an actress/stand up with big love for pesto, gin and anything that will make her bottom appear smaller and slightly firmer. She can do a forward roll (returning to stand) and once directed Geri Halliwell to the Hermes section in Harrods. Her goal this year is to achieve her childhood dream – successfully cross monkey bars. Her personal best to date is bar two. You can follow her on Twitter HERE.
