This Thursday the nominations for the 86th Annual Academy Awards will be announced and it is with some excitement that I anticipate a nod in the Best Animated Short Film Category for my masterpiece, 'Eyebrows Under The Knife'.
“But Sue!” I hear you cry, “How can you be so sure?” Well, it’s like this – I’ve been sending tapes in to the Oscars for many years without much luck but this time, I’ve been careful to ensure I tick all the boxes. I’ve pulled out all the stops and if I don’t get nominated I’ll be every bit as angry as Sandra B should be if 'Gravity' loses out to '12 Years a Slave'. All those months on wires being pulled about like a puppet down the drain! I’d be fuming.
Early last week, I spoke at length with my friend, Judith Higginbottom, the only person I know with a Cineworld membership card, and straight off the blocks, she identified a potential pitfall in my script. “It’s not eyebrow enough for the Oscars, Sue,” she said. Knowing Judith to be very wise, I wasted no time in changing the film from a stop-motion animation about Zebra Crossings to a stop-motion animation about plastic surgery of the eyebrows. (It’s not to my taste but you can’t be precious about it. You’ve got to give the people what they want.)
I’m also hoping to capitalise on the Academy’s feelings of guilt about sexist jokes made by last year’s ceremony host, Seth McFarlane. He probably doesn’t realise it but his opening song about boobs is going to increase my chances of a win at least nine-fold. As we all know, there is a woeful lack of female representation in the film industry and what am I, if not female? I intend to emulate the success of Kathryn Bigelow, the only woman ever to win the Best Director Award, which she secured for her 2010 film, 'The Hurt Locker'. (I’ve not seen it but Judith tells me it’s very eyebrow too, so there are obvious similarities.)
As part of my research, I found that of the top 100 grossing films of all time, only two were directed by women: Jennifer Yuh Nelson’s 'Kung Fu Panda 2' and Phyllidia Lloyd’s 'Mamma Mia'. So I’ve been sure to include a real flavour of both Pandas and Italian matriarchs in EUTK (Eyebrows Under The Knife). Oh yes – I’m confident about the nomination. The next hurdle of course, is how to ensure I actually win the prize…
My tactics are rooted in graciousness. I’m not going to come over all blasé like Meryl Streep, or stay in to practise my penny whistle like Woody Allen. Oh no. I shall be dressing up in my finery (a snazzy full-length C&A number I got for 99p on eBay) and dancing down the red carpet. I shall be the very model of showbiz brilliance at that ceremony. No one will guess that I’m behind the rumours about Philomena being a drugs front or the cast of 'American Hustle' being robots. I’ll get away with that and why not? A little bit of smearing is all part of a healthy competition. Sometimes you’ve got to put up a bit of a fight and I’m not going to shy away from that for fear of seeming undignified.
All in all, it’s been really exhausting putting together a whole film over a single weekend on my own. I’d put good money on it that there won’t be a single other film nominated, made so quickly and on such a small budget. Which is why I really think I’m going to stand out. Yes, we all know that awards are nonsense and should have no bearing on our motivation in artistic endeavours but I really must say, it is going to be satisfying to finally receive a little recognition for what I do. Long live the Oscars, say I!
Sue Sherwin is a Modern Creative, working in motivational speaking, Arts and Crafts and supermarkets.
