What news events caught the eye of The Tomboy Tirade crew? Co-host of Asia’s biggest and only all-female comedy chat podcast, Raven from the Tomboy Tarts give her ten prickly picks for the month of July.
PRICKLY PICK #1:
Barney’s New York just retailed a silver Prada clip that costs a steep US$185 or your lifetime’s supply of paper clips. “I am paying so much for this clip that it had better hold my life together.” quipped Prudence Clippy, a 33-year old Office Assistant from Redmond, Washington.
PRICKLY PICK #2
Amazon initially just wanted a bag of organic, Fair Trade, non-GMO, high fibre and gluten-free Kale chips from the upscale grocery chain Whole Foods but realised that it was only slightly more expensive to purchase the entire company instead.
PRICKLY PICK #3:
Larry the No.10 Cat is hotly tipped for a Cabinet position in Theresa May’s post-election reshuffle, government sources have revealed. The Prime Minister has recently reached out to the popular Chief Mouser in a desperate bid to stay in power. Larry, formerly of Battersea Dogs & Cats Home, is set to head up a new department for Feline Welfare and Empowerment, an insider has confirmed. The canine population has reacted angrily to the one billion tuna deal with Larry, describing it as “grubby”, a bias against dogs and an “unacceptable” agreement that could weaken the bonds that unite the UK.
PRICKLY PICK #4:
We know Beyoncé’s twins have arrived on this earth. But where is the big news scoop? Tabloids and gossip sites are now begging Beyonce to officially announce the birth event of the year. “We get it, Queen B. You want your privacy. But it’s been weeks since they are born.” pleaded the paparazzi. “Give us something to write about. Anything but the Kardashians hiring a surrogate to carry their triplets.”
PRICKLY PICK #5
Former president Barack Obama is believed to be with the force ever since he went on a secret road trip with Luke Skywalker. All it took is Obama to say “The Russians have meddled in our elections” and just like that, President Donald Trump now believes Russia has interfered in the 2016 election. Evidence has been caught on video that the reporters ended up talking about the weather every time they asked Barack Obama if he has pulled a Jedi mind trick on the current president.
PRICKLY PICK #6
With 22 million Americans possibly losing their insurance under the new Senate bill, they now have to the turn alternative sources of healthcare like prayer, winning the powerball and Gwyneth Paltrow. That’s right, her lifestyle company Goop which previously encouraged women to shove jade eggs up their vaginas, has out-gooped itself this time with magic healing stickers, inspired by NASA’s space suits. Even NASA is jumping onto the action to raise funds for their space program by promoting their new organic, non-GMO range of freeze-dried space food.
PRICKLY PICK #7
Wonder Woman’s extraordinary box office success is met with trepidation by the movie studios. ” We have to actually work harder to cater to women who make up 50% of our audience base and are demanding better representation on screen,” said a big-shot movie director who refused to be named. ”Instead of you know, just solely making movies for teenage boys on their Nintendoes.”
PRICKLY PICK #8
Opportunist retailers are thrilled with the launch of Balenciaga‘s new $1000 Carrier that is essentially a shopping bag. “It makes it so easy and profitable for us to create knockoffs,” said a supplier who declined to be named. “All we have to do is to stamp the logo on any shopping bag and it is a Balenciaga! And nobody knows how the actual Balenciaga shopping bag looks like either so we can get away with anything.”
PRICKLY PICK #9
Hacker group Anonymous believes NASA is close to discovering alien life but we know there is already an alien lizard shapeshifter masquerading as a world leader residing among us. No signs of intelligent life reported in the White House though, as of now.
PRICKLY PICK #10
Fancy a glass of Pluto Noir? NASA says it possible to grow grape vines and produce wine in space with the right technology and lots of patience. That’s news to toast our cometpagne glasses to. We humans have been making wine on Earth for thousands of years, so it’s unlikely for us to kick the habit once we move into space. But is it really wine that we should be exploring? As astronaut Matt Damon has shown us, it is much easier to grow potatoes in space. Expect to see Martian Vodka as one of NASA’s first exports.
