Ah, the nuanced and implication-drenched language of estate agents, hoteliers and landlords. It’s rustic and full of charm: don’t turn the door handle too forcefully or it’ll come off in your hand. Attractively compact: get out of bed and straight into the shower! Three-minute walk from the station: if your name happens to be Usain Bolt.
There’s even been proper research into this particular type of talk. It’s everywhere.
My parents recently went on holiday and are staying in a hotel. They’re not quite as mobile as they used to be. Which is a laughable thing to say about two people who are currently vacay-ing in a foreign country. If they were that immobile, they’d holiday at Watford Gap services.
When booking, they’d made sure the hotel owners were aware of their mobility concerns. In response, my parents were assured that the room was all on one level. No climbing a spiral staircase to get to the loo. Phew.
In her traditional post-arrival email, my Mum did her best to channel Alex Polizzi.
“Well, darling, I know the client said they had mobility problems, and you told them you are putting them in a room that is ‘all on one level’ and overlooks the garden, darling.
But f—ing hell darling, what you didn’t tell them was the acre of walking THROUGH the garden to get to the ‘all on one level’ room, and the small FENCES that have to be stepped over, and the amount of STEPS leading through the UNEVEN garden!
Or how far, darling, the walk from the accessible car parking was to the ‘all on one level’ room, darling! Or how scalding the water would be, darling, in the walk-in shower, which was hot enough to maim the unsteady mobility client!
Apart from that, darling, well done on catering for disabled, or soon to be, guests!”
Followed by inimitable Mum commentary:
“I must have walked miles to get our bits out the car. The guy sorted the shower and then actually asked Dad if he wanted him to shower him!”
Well, this email rendered me immobile with laughter for a good 15 minutes. We’re all in the same boat now.
