28 Days Till 30.
As I glance down at my thighs with 28 days to go until I reach the big three-0h, I’m not yet feeling that peaceful acceptance of myself that mother always bangs on about: “Oh you’ll be so much happier with the way you look in your thirties.”
I mean yeah, curvy women the world over owe a lot to the Kardashians but, being a child of the 90s, I’m still clamouring after that waifish look. Something deep within my soul still wants to look in the mirror and see Kate Moss. Skinny women turning 30 in a decades time will probably be feeling the same, just stuffing the back of their pants in a desperate bid for more curves.
Unfortunately whatever the media deems is attractive at the time has a tendency to lodge its way into our brains, haunting us no matter how old we get. However, a week or so ago, I suffered the unfortunate experience of catching myself in the mirror whilst having sex. There I was, bent over, tits slightly sagging, make up streaming down my face and I thought “Wow, you’ve come a long way Alex. Well done you!” Not because the years of dieting had paid off, (I assure you that is not the case) but five years ago, I’d be miles away from any sort of climax because for the duration of both foreplay and intercourse I’d be sucking in my stomach, bumbling around in complete darkness, refusing to put my legs behind my head for fear of looking like some sort of festive poultry being stuffed.
Oh what fun I was missing! How many orgasms I must’ve let slip me by as I lay there beating myself up for eating a King Size Twix? Although I still dream of the day I can slink around in teeny jeans and pose for selfies at any angle it would seem maybe I have become more body confident during sex at least.
For those of you still shagging fully clothed one thing I did learn in my twenties was how to disguise your wobbly bits whilst in the act of boning. It’s really easy, like squishing all your body fat underneath you when sunbathing to give the appearance of a lean stomach and trim thighs. I am confident the below will help those still body conscious in the bedroom department without skimping on your orgasm:
One.
Doggy Style: Skinny, curvy, lanky or petite this position is strangely flattering. Volunteering doggy will not only make you feel good but make your bum appear pert, whilst hiding your stomach and any unfortunate boob angles. They also won’t notice if you get bored.
Two.
Heels: Keep them on. Who doesn’t want to give the illusion of a longer leg?
Three.
A good bra: I always used to whip it off but now I’m paranoid riding braless will make them sag so on it stays, good old fashioned cleavage scaffolding making me look like a 20 year old.
Four.
Dimmer switch: Don’t have all the lights off, that’s just silly and potentially dangerous. My friend once knocked herself out as she misjudged where the bed was and smacked her head on a neighbouring cabinet. We may not all look like Victoria Secret models but that doesn’t mean we have to hide. Create soft lighting that won’t highlight cellulite so you can frolic around carefree.
Five.
Stay at home and have a wank: You don’t have to worry about a thing. Lights on full blare, bra off, shoes abandoned at the door – wonderful.
