In the summer 2001 my mother frogmarched me to the doctors for a suspected eating disorder. I’d simply limited my Hob Nob intake and developed a small obsession with the gym (for a very good reason). My doctor suggested that I begin a food journal. Well, this all seemed rather boring and unnecessary to me, however it did inspire me, to start penning a normal diary, I am after all one of the Dawson’s Creek generation and that’s precisely the sort of thing those jumped up tossers did. Around about this time it had dawned on me I was still a virgin and shortly after that epiphany the unimaginable horror that was 9/11 happened. Nothing of this scale had ever happened in my lifetime before. This fear was not helped by the Daily Mail and Sophia in Spanish class constantly scare-mongering. So combine my poor performance in the de-flowering race with the all-consuming fear that we were going to be blown up at any moment and you have a girl on a mission to get that cherry well and truly popped! I’ve decided to share with you over the coming weeks my hideous diary entries…
Sunday 14th October
“Like a virgin… Touched by the very first Tim!”……………….. Is what I sang, yes sang! Down the phone into his voicemail.
Yes, when he woke up, probably to walk his bloody dog, he would’ve seen a missed call from me made at 2.14am and then listened to that fucking voicemail… I never want to see him ever again. I’ve cried nearly all day, even in dance class… Even when we were dancing to Scream (my favourite because we get to use chairs). He’s definitely gonna know now I’m only 15.
I blame Josh and Abi and John (my cousins) who got me very drunk and a little bit stoned for my Grandmas birthday party… Gone are the days when we just made fart cakes for our parents to eat in the hope they’d fart all day, now we get drunk and I, no one else, I, embarrass myself. Although Josh did throw up down the back of mum’s seat all the way home… I’d have much preferred that… I would’ve gotten rid of all those mini quiches I ate too.
It all started when I was told our dance classes were gonna be moved to where he is now working (Erica told me he’d simply moved gyms not left completely) so thinking I’d been given a second chance at happiness, I couldn’t wait to get drunk to celebrate… I drank two glasses of wine then opened the 3 litre White Lightening and was doing spinnys on the shore and then we all sang Stan. Sometimes I really fancy Eminem… I can’t believe I didn’t throw up! Did I throw up? I may have done… Apparently mum had to drag me out of the men’s loos cause me and Josh thought it would be funny to peer over the cubicles and laugh at people on the loo. Oh God I’m such an idiot. I blew my many chances at the gym, I blew the txt message opportunity and now I’ve left him a voicemail of my awful singing voice (not only was what I was singing embarrassing but I cannot sing… I was only put in Chamber Choir because I was the only girl without braces and they wanted me to mime along at the front).
I was so depressed today I nicked a Wispa Mint from Somerfield just for the thrill. Maybe I wanted to get arrested? No Mum is still mad she had to prop me up when she was introducing me to long lost relatives… I think one of them was the poor fucker who was on the loo as me and Josh peed over… She’d be distraught if I got carried away with this shoplifting… Especially if I was stealing chocolate… I wonder if she’d mind if she knew the phone case I got her for Christmas was stolen?
I’m probably never gonna be able to listen to Madonna again now so have just been listening to the Dawson’s Creek soundtrack all afternoon.
“Like A Virgin… Touched by the very first Tim” Oh my God I’m such a fucking idiot!!!!!! I’m never gonna get fingered, I’m never gonna be able to give a blow job… Im never gonna get to do it in his car…
Ps I’m seriously considering becoming a Nun again
Pps Fuuuuuuuccccckkk I’m gonna have to see him when I go dancing! At least he might catch a glimpse of me in the splits
