In the summer 2001 my mother frogmarched me to the doctors for a suspected eating disorder. My doctor suggested my mum keep an eye on me and that I begin a food journal. Well, this all seemed rather boring and unnecessary to me, however it did inspire me, in my teenage self-indulgent state, to start penning a normal diary, I am after all one of the Dawson’s Creek generation and that’s precisely the sort of thing those jumped up tossers did. Around about this time it had dawned on me I was still a virgin and shortly after that epiphany the unimaginable horror that was 9/11 happened. Nothing of this scale had ever happened in my lifetime before. This fear was not helped by the Daily Mail and Sophia in Spanish class constantly scare-mongering. So combine my poor performance in the de-flowering race with the all-consuming fear that we were going to be blown up at any moment and you have a girl on a mission to get that cherry well and truly popped! But I wasn’t settling for some teenage lad from the boys school down the road, oh no! I had my sights set on a poor personal trainer who I’d lied to about my age… It thankfully never happened and as I’ve decided to share with you over the coming weeks my hideous diary entries, covering my pursuit of FPTT, my actual virginity loss and escaping to London you’ll soon learn why…
In this weeks instalment I ponder the age old question, “What does one do with their face during intercourse?” And finally understand the wisdom of Mother Superior in The Sound Of Music.
29th September 2001
He still hasn’t txt… It’s been nearly 24 hours. Maybe it’s because he knew he’d see me at the gym and wanted to speak to me in person? The radio is still only playing sad songs, one came on as I was trying to impress him on the treadmill… God if only I could run with my hair down and in slow motion. I tried it a few weeks back (hair down not running in slow motion) and my hair stuck to my face causing mother to exclaim “You look like you’ve crawled from your own grave… Like the Thriller video!” so I won’t be attempting that look again…
He is so fit. He was talking about his dogs today, it was very boring but his eyes are so blue. I wonder if there is anyone I could do dog walking for? That way I could bump into him! Maybe we could walk his dog together? We’d probably do that all the time once we’ve done it… Doing it is beginning to scare me now… Like what if it hurts? What if I’m crap? Also what do I do with my face? Do I look sexy? Do I smile encouragingly? Do I keep eye contact throughout- eye contacts sexy… I’ll just stare… Maybe we should start with the dog walking?
More lies about driving lessons and the 4 point turn which I later found out was in fact, a 3 point turn. He made a comment about letting me practice in his car which would be a perfect virginity losing/fingering/possibly blow job giving spot but seeing as I’ve never actually driven a car that could be a a bit of a giveaway.
They say everything happens for a reason and at the time I couldn’t see a silver lining to my Dad’s second affair but let’s face it, if he didn’t feel so guilty he wouldn’t be paying for the gym membership and I wouldn’t have met Tim! Like the head nun woman says in the Sound Of Music “When the Lord closes a door somewhere he opens a window” Its highly unlikely she was referring to anybody’s virginity loss but I kinda get what’s she’s saying… I’m gonna watch that later. Dads def taking advantage of the terrorist attacks, he’s round all the time again cause mum got upset on the day it happened. This is inconvenient for me as mum is more laidback about stuff when he’s not around and also we were promised a kitten.
Thinking about it, I think it was Maria who said that? Not the lead nun? I thought I knew that film inside out… To think I wanted to be a nun for years, I’d definitely be deemed too slutty now, even though I haven’t been fingered, I want to be and I imagine that’s just as bad in the nuns eyes…
Me and Chelsea stole some purple liqueur from my Mums drinks cabinet for tonight. She’s coming round in a bit. Now that our fake ID has arrived I’ll probably be bumping into Tim all over town. Just in case, I’ve decided to wear my Jane Norman top and black pedal pushers. You’d think after all these squats my bum would be looking firmer. It isn’t. Tonight’s plan is The Old Fat Cat and Flares or The Square Balloon. I’m just too old for under 18 nights. Dreamt last night we were all under attack and Tim phoned me but I’d lost my hearing… I’m just gonna imagine he was saying “I’m so glad the last person I slept with was you”… I cannot die a virgin.
P.s He’d didn’t notice my Diamanté Reeboks
P.p.s I’ve decided I’m gonna wear clear mascara for the sex so my mascara doesn’t smudge because once I did some laying down kissing and mascara got all over my face!
