Summer is upon us at last and whilst I must admit I throughly enjoyed a lovely few days sipping gin in the sunshine, there is something about the promise of glorious weather that fills me with dread. Yes, the bikini panic is dreadful, the thought of removing your tights, letting the world witness your pasty skin – horrendous, but the real terror for me is sunscreen.
What I'm about to say is in no way endorsing the eradication of sunscreen from your daily lives, it is very important (Baz Luhrmann even released that song about it) but for me it can also be quite hazardous. I am not referring to a patchy tan or your friends drawing a massive sunscreen jizzing cock on your belly whilst you sleep off a hangover in the sun but the smell. The smell of sunscreen sends me into a state of horniness like no other. The faintest whiff of Ambre Solaire or God forbid Institut Esthederm, arouses me in a way that is tantamount to the thought of Marlon Brando in his Streetcar days, taking me roughly against a wall.
I first discovered the direct link between the scent of sunscreen and the tingle in my lady garden when working in retail. I worked for a skin care brand in a very large but very quiet department store on Bond Street. The days would often drag (except Thursdays when one of my best friends would do a shift and we'd piss about so much it eventually led to a separation ordered by the general manager). I would while away the hours testing out all the perfumes and experimenting with every colour eye shadow Nars had to offer. After exhausting every possible fragrance available to man (I can confirm nothing smells like Chanel's Coco Madmoiselle) I moved over to face creams (Dr Perricone is wonderful and a miracle worker but your face will smell of fish), finally skipping over to the small sunscreen section.
It was mid August so I took full advantage of the over priced (but incredibly good) tester bottle and lathered the entire top half of my body in this ridiculously silky factor 20. Within minutes I was imagining the sales assistant from Paul Smith dragging me off into the changing rooms of women's wear and shagging me senseless, before nonchalantly returning to sell rejuvenating face masks.
It followed me home, I was dreaming up scenarios with most men I saw on the tube. I returned to my flat and put on a performance for my boyfriend that, even though we've since parted, we still high five each other about till this very day.
I suppose it's always been an issue, I cannot tell you the amount of times I've had to cool of in the sea to stave off the temptation of dragging a boyfriend into a pool house on a family holiday or attempting to seduce a man who is innocently queuing up to purchase a Cornetto. Being of a paler skin tone and grasping at every straw to hang onto youthful looking skin, I've little option but to plaster myself in the stuff every single day, which as you can imagine has left me no choice but to employ a number of 'turn off' tactics to simply get me through the summer months.
If you find yourself suffering with a similar quandary, please find below a number of ways to prevent yourself copping off with someone you probably don't even fancy, possibly in public, purely because you've generously applied some Hawaiian Tropic.
1. Imagine the humiliation of being caught, having to explain to passers by, or worse still the long arm of the law, why you've only the one flip flop on and bikini bottoms round your ankles.
2. Think of the irritation… Beach sex can be messy, no matter how hard you try, sand could still be appearing days later.
3. Opt for a stern, expensive and often slightly terrifying looking sun screen. They usually smell a little like E45 and there is nothing sexual about that.
4. If on the beach, distract yourself with a selection of high end fashion magazines and a good quality picnic. Food is a terrific distraction, I suggest Waitrose Scotch eggs and a bottle of Hendricks (remember to pack the cucumber!) Simple, yet effective. On a side note, be sure not to read said fashion magazines whilst consuming scotch eggs, it will do nothing for your self esteem or any underlying body issues. To be on the safe side couple magazines with gin.
5. The final and most effective tip: Romance yourself at home before leaving for the day. It will release all that pent up sexual energy, leaving you with a delightful glow and let's face it, quite a spring in your step.
Alex Neve is an actress/stand up with big love for pesto, gin and anything that will make her bottom appear smaller and slightly firmer. She can do a forward roll (returning to stand) and once directed Geri Halliwell to the Hermes section in Harrods. Her goal this year is to achieve her childhood dream – successfully cross monkey bars. Her personal best to date is bar two. You can follow her on Twitter HERE.
