"Do you think I'll ever get married Nevey?" This was the main topic of conversation as we ploughed through a gigantic Nando's meal in a frantic bid to cure our hangovers. She will definitely get married. She is possibly the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in real life. Ever. She has the kindest heart, is incredibly funny, intelligent and in possession of the longest legs seen outside of the Victoria Secret catwalk. She is also only 24 so her boobs are perky and she's still relatively positive about life. Hell, I'd marry her.
Yes it's that time again, wedding season is fast approaching and if you've not been invited to one this year, judging by the amount of Tweets and Facebook statuses shouting "He's only gone and put a ring on it!" I'll wager you will be receiving a Save The Date card in the not too distant future.
Single women the world over can be thrown into a blind panic upon learning they've only four months to slim into a dress, nab a plus one to make their ex jealous or look hot enough to meet a potential groom of their very own at the reception. You'd think being a single lady whose parents are so preoccupied with marrying me off so they no longer have to have me at Christmas dinner, I'd be green with envy or fretting about being the only single guest, plonked at the children's table, avoiding the gin lest I turn into a modern day Miss Havisham, warning all the little girls off boys and teaching them how to break hearts, but I'm not.
Perhaps I maintain my calmness as proposals have always come very freely to me. At 28 years old I've been proposed to twice. Once via text message (which I later learnt was typed by one hand as my ex took a slash just off Tottenham Court Road). The second display of romance at its finest was from man who lurked daily, by the grocery stall outside Kentish Town Station, having probably never left the spot nor graced his body with a bar of soap for over 20 years. So you can see I never panic too much as worst case scenario I'll just hop on the Northern line and slide that Haribo ring right on, skipping off into the sunset with my smelly veg man.
I love a wedding and I delight in wedding season. I do, however, understand why some women get their knickers in a twist over the whole affair and why men dread being dragged along as a plus one. I sympathise with you all, it can be a minefield for both men and women, couples and singles. But over the years I've managed to master a wedding day from service to wedding breakfast, right through to the car crash that can be the reception.
I've learnt how to take full advantage of what can be a glorious day, celebrating love and the big, scary C word – commitment (it can be a terrifying word for someone like myself who doesn't even like to book a mini break too far in advance). It's a huge and brave step these couples are taking and yes, you may want to vomit as the bride and groom attempt to waltz across the dance floor, in a pre choreographed routine to something God awful like Aerosmith's 'I Don't Want to Miss a Thing', but they've invited you there to share this special moment and paid for your dinner. So button up and refer to my survival guide below to ensure you enjoy the big day with them.
1. In the case of a selfish bride who has blown the majority of the budget on a Vera Wang dress neglecting the option of a free bar or complimentary drinks stock your purse with vodka/gin miniatures or a whiskey flask.
2. Have in your arsenal a selection of replies for the dreaded "So when are you two taking the plunge?"/"Found yourself a fella yet?" questions. Personal favourites are ones sure to shut the nosey fuckers up: "We're just waiting for Mark's divorce to come through…" Or "I am actually seeing someone special. He's an older gentleman so were not making a fuss. Quite frankly I just want to get it out of the way so I'm left in the will. Keep everything crossed for me!"
3. Photo time is drinking time. A lot of the complimentary drinks will be served during the lengthy process that is wedding photography. Don't spend too long talking to anyone who isn't near a waiter and invest in a good hat or fascinator that can be quickly removed so you look like a completely different guest and not the same drunk who has already necked two glasses of champagne in the last five minutes.
4. Don't sulk if you're placed on the kids table. More often than not their conversation will be far more entertaining than the smug newlyweds on table C. Also they've only little tummies and depending on their age will probably be fussy eaters. Waste not want not – fill your boots.
5. If you're lucky enough to be chosen as bridesmaid then be on your guard; men prey on your vulnerability as you watch your best friend sashay down the aisle looking thinner than you, before sauntering off into wedded bliss. Four glasses of champagne down and you may think they want to woo you but more than likely they just want to jizz all over your baps that are looking so delightful in that lilac, corseted creation. Or…
6. If you are in the market for a no strings attached fumble make sure you locate a discreet spot early on in the day. It will be unpleasant for the wedding party to witness you bent over a water feature in the grounds of a stately home and unlikely to fit with the "shabby chic/vintage country fair meets Downton Abbey theme" the happy couple have spent months agonising over.
Alex Neve is an actress/stand up with big love for pesto, gin and anything that will make her bottom appear smaller and slightly firmer. She can do a forward roll (returning to stand) and once directed Geri Halliwell to the Hermes section in Harrods. Her goal this year is to achieve her childhood dream – successfully cross monkey bars. Her personal best to date is bar two. You can follow her on Twitter HERE.
Pictured: A distinctive wedding hat as modelled by Princess Beatrice for fooling waiters
