As December approaches Funny Women writer Kady Potter prepares us for the Office Christmas Drinks…
The first rule is that unless you’re a designated driver you have to drink. Even though your colleagues have spent all year sticking to protein shakes and fresh juices that look like swamp water, you will be expected to drain the bar dry of their finest tequila. It might be a good idea to have a large lunch, or to build up a gradual tolerance by hiding cocktails in your coffee mug.
If you’re the first person to arrive at the party, you don’t need to start drinking until there are at least two others present. In fact, it may be a better idea to leave now while nobody else is around.
Have a sip of your drink each time a colleague turns up in an ill-fitting Christmas jumper, and be grateful that they only wear it once per year. Make that more of a gulp if the jumper lights up – this is not going to be a night that you want to remember. Should your own outfit be mocked for not being ‘Christmassy’ enough, you must buy your critic a drink to apologise, but it’s socially acceptable to pick Advocaat if you think they were wrong.
You’re only allowed to request Christmas songs after you’ve had at least three drinks. This will ensure that nobody takes your choice of ‘Little Drummer Boy’ seriously. Take one sip of your drink for every glass broken by someone trying to hit the high note in ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You.’ Go and order another drink if ‘A Spaceman Came Travelling’ comes on. I don’t think I need to explain why.
One hearty gulp of drink is required on witnessing any of the following: a Sexy Santa on the dancefloor, inappropriate use of tinsel, artificial poinsettias, full-sized bauble earrings, or a candy cane being consumed in a suggestive manner by someone old enough to know better.
Take a shot every time someone yells “It’s Chriiiistmaaaas!” in the style of Noddy Holder. It’s two shots if they’re wearing a sparkly reindeer deelybopper, and three if the deelybopper lights up. If it plays a little jingle, take two jelly shots and put them in your ears to try and block it out.
Anyone who approaches you waving mistletoe should be given a large glass of Merlot applied directly to the face. It doesn’t matter who the Merlot belongs to. Bonus points for managing to time this perfectly with the chorus of ‘Mistletoe And Wine,’ and for if any wine ‘accidentally’ and irreparably stains a light-up Christmas jumper.
If you turn around to see your boss dressed as an elf, put the glass down and go home.
