I laughed this off when I saw it. “Yeah, yeah,” I rolled my eyes. Yet another “Oh my God this parenting gig is hard, isn’t it, that’s why we all drink a litre of wine a night and eat nothing but cake” cliché. We ‘like’ them on Facebook, we share them with other parents, who all wink and pat us on the back knowingly. We wear this self-deprecatory cloak of motherhood because hell, if we don’t, some sanctimonious non-parent certainly will, and you can bet they’ll make us look worse than we ever could by ourselves. So with the arrival of Kate Middleton’s first child, I have only one piece of advice for her – have another, and join us, as quickly as you can.
Can you see us? The dog-tired folk with egg on our faces, covertly munching chocolate behind the fridge door and pretending our kids have only been on the Playstation for 10 minutes. And for us – when we swore we’d raise organic five-a-day children who watch just 10 minutes of the Discovery channel, and then only on a weekend – to have slipped so catastrophically into the slovenly stereotype! Horrifying inadequacy, I know, but watch, and you will learn.
A friend of mine was in conversation with another mum recently about her daughter’s squashed finger. Caught in the door just before bedtime, she dosed her (third) child with Calpol, and left it till morning to take her into the Minor Injuries unit for a check-up.
She confessed to the receptionist that she felt a bit guilty for not bringing the poor girl in the night before.
“Oh, I wouldn’t worry,” shrugged the lady at the desk. “If it makes you feel any better, we had a mum in here yesterday who’d left it 4 days before she brought in her son, and he had a fractured wrist!”
She recounted this story to my friend in shocked tones, all the while congratulating herself on not being as bad a mother as she’d thought. “Oh,” my friend lowered her eyes and fiddled with her cake. “That was me. He stopped crying after the first day, so I left it, but when he still wasn’t using it 4 days later I took him in to check. Erm, do you fancy a glass of wine?”
I totally get it. This same friend rushed her first child to A&E when she jumped of the sofa, landed on a LEGO brick, and refused to walk for the rest of the afternoon. She was fine. My first child was paraded into hospital several times in her baby and toddlerhood. I once called an ambulance in the middle of the night because she was screaming and acting like she was blind. Mortified, I watched as the paramedics woke her from her night terror and offered her a play with their stethoscope. She giggled at them winningly, as I skulked off in search of cake. Conversely, my second child has never stepped foot inside a hospital.
This lapse in standards as the child headcount increases in a family is not limited to injuries. Take a look at this catalogue of opposites:
During my first pregnancy I drank no alcohol, ate no sugar, and consumed mostly oily fish and green vegetables. My daughter loves chicken nuggets, fries, and cake. She won’t eat foods that have touched each other on the plate.
Pregnant with my second child, I indulged my cravings for McDonalds. I ate a lot of crisps, and drank red wine at the weekend. His favourite food? Chilli squid.
My firstborn watched the requisite 30 minutes a day of Baby Einstein DVDs. My son sat in front of the Teletubbies daily. They’re both quick-witted enough to run rings around me, but guess which one craves TV time?
My daughter was allowed one chocolate button after tea if she had eaten nicely all day. My son’s first solid food was a chocolate button. But he’s the first one to hand back a packet of Haribo when he’s had enough.
So my point? Yes, you do get more chilled out, the more kids you have. Your prototype parenting plan wavers over time, and your second, and subsequent children may well consume dirt occasionally. And that’s no bad thing. In fact, it’s the only way, and when Kate has her second baby I’ll pour her a glass of wine while the fitness DVD entertains the kids…
Helen K Willis
