Love isn’t funny

Have you heard the one about the girl that is in a loving, stable committed relationship with a really great guy who just gets her? Nope. Because it’s not funny and it’s kinda smug TBH. As a stand up I try to draw on my personal life as much as possible and what I’ve found works best is not telling the audience how much you love your partner but how much they annoy the fuck out of you. 

We want to hear about how much his incessant guitar playing grates on you and that if he plays House of the Rising Sun one more time you are going to put your head in the oven. Or how he seems to be physically incapable of shutting a cupboard door and every time he makes a piece of toast the kitchen looks like a scene from The Sixth Sense (you know when the ghosts are trying to communicate with the living via kitchen cabinets? Remember? Also he was dead the whole time! spoiler!) And how the sound of him eating said toast makes you wish you were also one of those dead people.

This is all 100% true but what is also true is that I love him deeply and can’t imagine myself with anyone else (OK, perhaps I could, but alas Channing Tatum is taken). And as my partner and I embark on our next journey – bringing a new human into the world – I know that however amazingly wonderful my baby is (which it will be, because even if it’s not, my hormones will convince me it is!) you guys will really only want to hear about the madness.

The savage sleep deprivation causing me to put my phone in the fridge (wish I could put his damn guitar in the fridge), the dog using my breast pump as a chew toy and the infinite toilet disasters (my nephew managed to fire a poop right onto my brother’s sleeping head once). And we can all bathe in mine and my partner’s (who I secretly love madly but you dare don’t tell anyone – I’ve got a rep to protect) misadventurous glory!

Lily Phillips is performing her new show Smut at Soho Theatre from 16^th to 18^th February, Tickets available here. Read our review of the show as seen at Edinburgh Fringe here.