How I learned to Take Pride

Every month we invite our readers to pitch us articles on a theme revealed in our regular newsletter. Find out what our next theme is by subscribing to our newsletter below. In honour of Pride month we chose ‘Pride’ as our theme and Caitlin Magnell-Kearns shared how they take pride in their identity…

I had an inkling I was queer in my teens. When I was 14 I told a random girl on the after-school bus I was “pansexual”, after googling it the night before. Despite my teenage confession, I actually didn’t come out until I was 22, and was 24 before I started actively looking to date women. Before this most of my dating experience had been with men (I know, gross) via apps.

When I first started using the apps at uni I used to be petrified, that despite posting full-length pictures of myself, people who matched with me wouldn’t realise I was fat. As if upon meeting my date they would scream with horror, mortified that they have been ‘fat-fished.’ I quickly realised that most people weren’t bothered, and the ones that were bothered were not worth my breath.

More than anyone else I found the straight men I dated to have an interesting relationship with my body, that veered from overcompensating to ignoring the elephant in the room. At this point, I did identify as bi, but it’s not something I would have mentioned. The occasional time I did bring it up to men, they’d make a joke, or laugh in derision. I shrunk the queer part of me, I started dressing not how I wanted to, but how I thought I should. 

Along with being queer and plus-sized, I’m also disabled, which as you can imagine, makes my dating pool really varied and wide. At this time I am housebound due to my disability, a long-term mental health condition, which has meant that for the last few years my dating options have been incredibly limited. But the good thing is, thanks to the dose of my anti-depressant being doubled I have the sexual appetite of… well of a mentally ill person on anti-depressants. 

One thing about being alone for a long time is I feel so much secure in who I am, what I like, and who I like. I don’t feel the pressure to conform, if people don’t like me, that’s grand! I dress how I like, some days it’s band tees and dungarees, others it’s low cut tops and midi skirts. I started using she/they pronouns, I finally bedded down into my soft, malleable gender identity. I am who I am. I like watching hours of Four in a Bed at a time, doing silly voices, and wearing novelty t-shirts. I am beautifully, and unapologetically, queer, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Happy Pride month all!