I’m one of those fortunate people who is able to work from home and I live with a partner I like, albeit in a studio flat. So while lockdown hasn’t been a (single) walk in the park (per day) and we’ve both lost some gigs, we’re doing okay. But there’s only so much entertainment to be gleaned from Tiger King, What-Did-You-Dream-Last-Night? corner and Australian-Accent-Thursdays and eventually we realised for our mental health/marriage, we would have to talk to other people.
But, of course, we can’t just arrange to meet our friends at the pub. Therefore us digital natives must rely on what we’ve always relied on; the internet and our smartphones. However, while everyone else seems to be able to merrily chat away on apps, I am struggling to get comfortable with them.
This is perhaps connected to my deep discomfort with phonecalls, which my partner shares. Anyone who overheard our phone conversations would think I was conducting a survey, not catching up with my beloved.
So the concept of combining phone-angst with having an audience (yes of friends, what of it?) who can both see and hear you pause and stutter fills me with dread. I think I associate a video conference call with work and being a peculiarly formal person, I cannot then kick back, relax and crack open a can. What if I suddenly have to present a spreadsheet?
‘Ah,’ I hear you say, ‘are you using Skype/Zoom/something you also use for work calls? Try Houseparty instead.’ Oh yes, the anxiety-maker that is Houseparty. As I understand it you can lock ‘rooms’, but I don’t understand how. Which means anyone can just waltz in and virtually recreate the situation all women find themselves in when they meet for a drink where a man appears at your side and asks if he may join you.
In fact, a comedian on the circuit has in fact dedicated himself to the cause of being That Man, popping up in conversations vaping, for ultimate verisimilitude, and wearing the creepiest rubber mask I’ve ever seen.
Also, I didn’t realise that by clicking on the little hand icon I was not jauntily waving at people, letting them know I had acquired said app, but opening myself up into sudden and unexpected conversation for which I was not prepared. Without planning to, Houseparty has plunged us back into the nightmarish time pre-mobile phone, when people thought it acceptable to just DROP IN on you, in your own HOME, to say HI.
It’s becoming very plausible that I may go the entire lockdown speaking only to my husband. What I don’t understand is this; I thought all us Millennials and Gen Zers were phone-phobic. How come everyone else seems to be able to deal with talking to people in situations that aren’t face-to-face (which, you know what, not my favourite either), with such ease and grace and sometimes even green screens?
Did I miss a memo or a YouTube tutorial or something? I am hoping I will pick up some tips on comic spontaneity, confidence and connecting via the Funny Women Comedy Workout on Zoom on the 2nd April at 7.00 pm. Catch my awkward videophone manner there…
