Going to take part at the Edinburgh Fringe is a fabulous experience – if you are with friends or colleagues, you have a great venue and you’re at the top of your game. If not, it can be miserable, knackering and depressing and, comedians being what we are, you’ll have to waste precious time and energy pretending that it isn’t.
That’s no problem if you’re just up for a week – but most of us pre-successful comedians are there for at least three weeks. And the Fringe doesn’t take prisoners.
Here’s a ten-point guide to getting it right and having fun if you’re there for the whole run.
one
Eat well (yes, I know I sound like your mother). But three-and-a-half weeks of performing, late nights seeing other acts, hanging out and not getting enough sleep on just handfuls of granola, tacos and take-aways isn’t going to have you working at your best. For street food in a hurry, the best ever is from Tupiniquim, in the green police box in Lauriston Place. Their crêpes are gluten-free so you can feel totally fashionable and healthy. Even better, unlike most gluten-free takeaway stuff, they are totally delicious. You can have the white chocolate, cream cheese, fresh raspberry and honey crêpe if you really don’t want to hit the health kick … or all sorts of yummy savoury ones if you do.
two
Hand-wash your socks. Edinburgh is a hotbed of missing socks, slinking away, drinking crazily and ending up in a holey, soggy heap in the gutter. I don’t know a single Edinburgh performer who used a washing machine or Laundromat in the city who came home with all his or her socks.
three
It will rain. Edinburgh ‘does rain’ in August. It ‘does rain’ very successfully and damply and often without warning. Take a mac or an umbrella and some sensible shoes. Or get wet. Your call.
four
Don’t panic if no one wants your flyers on the Royal Mile. There are thousands of people flyering there as well as street performers and those weird silver statue people who want money for standing still. Everyone tells you that you have to hand out the flyers and it’s certainly a part of the Edinburgh Experience for moaning in the pub but personally I only found it a good way to get a sniffly cold and frozen feet. What worked for me was putting flyers in all the hotels and hostels that would take them (and quite a lot will). Just walk in, confidently, wearing your Fringe Official Participant Pass – you do have one, don’t you? If not, get one from a Free Fringe Office – and you’ll look like an organiser and they’ll take your flyers.
five
Get a one-month bus pass unless you’re both living and working right in the city centre. I know you’re only there for three weeks but it does work out much cheaper and it will give you the opportunity to get out of the city to the seaside on the day your venue decides it’s going to put a football match or the Olympics on TV one night. It happens in a lot of the pubs that are hosting shows on the edges of the city centre.
six
If you’re with PBH or Laughing Horse understand that the furore of hatred over Brexit is a pile of fluffy pink kittens in comparison with their ongoing quarrel. On no account speak to anyone from a rival show production, don’t visit a competitive show and if you must sleep with the enemy, claim you were drugged.
seven
If you’re going to the press day at a Free Fringe office, hoping to get coverage for your show, don’t dress like a chicken. Or a Goth. Or a Biblical character. Trust me, they’ve seen it all before and they’re not impressed. What they want is someone who can talk clearly and succinctly about what they do in less than two minutes. And you will have to start queuing 12 hours before the doors open if you want to stand any chance at all of actually talking to a hack. If you turn up only three hours beforehand, all that will happen is that you’ll stand in a queue outside for four hours. In the rain.
eight
You will get depressed. It usually happens at the end of the second week even if you’re being mega successful. Some of the Fringe offices actually have Samaritans around because half-way depression is a well-known phenomenon. So it’s not just you being a dismal failure; it’s all of us. I scoffed at this one too but I was bloody glad I’d heard about it when the ‘I’m a total loser’ feeling struck. And then it rained. Remember, this too shall pass.You may get bored with your material too … update bits of it to freshen it rather than throwing most of it out. After all, it should be a time for your very best comedy not a new material night.
nine
Some days/nights you may have 50 in the audience … other nights you’ll have one. Do the show nonetheless. I did my one-hour show for one person twice. One of them came back and brought a crowd later in the run. The other was a reviewer who praised my determination as well as the show.
ten
Remember that you are amazing. As you stand on the stage, sockless, unreviewed and soaked, remember that you are a talented and brave woman; the envy of most of your friends who wouldn’t dare even try this ridiculous career — and that unlike many other first times you will remember this fondly forever.
