Hangovers. Hangovers have worsened as I’ve grown older. You’d think I’d know my limit. You’d think I’d stop embarrassing myself after just the two glasses of Prosecco but no, I still guzzle the booze way past my personal limit. Resulting in not being able to lift my head from the pillow, as I lay horizontal, stuffing Doritos and mini samosas into my mouth, binge watching Netflix for two entire days as the hangover takes it’s firm grip over my body.
When I was 18 I got so drunk I crawled home, in full Bunny Girl attire (18th birthday dress code), with sick in my fringe. Earlier that evening friends witnessed me declare my love for a man (who went on to appear, very briefly, in Pop Idol) only to descend into a 45 minute sobbing session in Subway when he left with another girl. I don’t even think I liked him that much, let alone loved the poor sod. But the WKDs and one quid shots had taken hold and in that moment I felt the necessary course of action to nab the man I probably just wanted to shag was to announce my ‘feelings’ and then cry when things didn’t go my way… on my birthday!
The following day as I cowered in my bed, sheets smeared with the fake tan that had been liberally applied the night before, feeling as if a rhinoceros was squatting on my forehead and wallowing in self pity I vowed I’d never get that rat-arsed again. And actually, I don’t think I have but that doesn’t matter because as you get older just a few glasses of wine can induce the same general lethargy and pounding of the head as if you’ve downed a three litre bottle of White Lightning and done a ‘spinny’ (downing said three litre bottle of White Lightning whilst spinning in a circle, usually in a park, aged 14).
I can’t lie, I have learnt a few tips that do help a little. Don’t mix your drinks, drink a pint of water before bed, line your stomach blah blah blah. Yes I don’t get as drunk but lo and behold Little Miss Hangover still rears her ugly self in my fuzzy brain. One thing I do have firmly in place as I reach my 30th is a hangover coping mechanism, so for all those who suffer please refer to my cut out and and keep guide below to ensure your unavoidable hangover is dealt with as smoothly as possible.
One.
Get up as soon as you wake, brush your teeth, then hit the shower armed with your favourite bath time treats.
Two.
If you can, sit in the shower and let the water massage your aching face as you gently talk yourself out of the fear: “No, of course they won’t remember that gossip you let slip,” “That really cool girl definitely won’t care/remember you insisting she add you as a friend on Facebook,” “Don’t be silly! Everyone else was far too drunk to notice you falling out of the Uber” etc.
Three.
Lather up with your favourite shower gels careful not to wet your hair – who can be doing with the incessant buzzing of a hair dryer when hungover?
Four.
Spend as long as you can in the shower, exfoliate your face ensuring you remove every last trace of make up. If you’re a fan of a false lash remove them as soon as possible.
Five.
Exit the shower and splash your face with freezing cold water before patting dry and applying a generous application of moisturiser.
Six.
Dig out some clean joggers and a comfy top, scrape your hair back neatly and spritz on a refreshing fragrance.
Seven.
Head to your nearest shop to stock up on savoury snacks, full fat coke or squash, a bottle of water and some chocolate.
Eight.
Let the fresh air liven your skin and briskly walk home.
Nine.
Kick off your trainers, grab a glass and carefully lay out snacks within arms reach before gently stretching out your limbs.
Ten.
Select a box set on Netflix, or if you’re really in a bad way a bit of Attenborough, dispose of all of the previous nights take away evidence and crawl straight back into bed where I recommend you stay for the next 24 hours.
On a side note, if you wake up with unwanted company hint at their swift exit by staying in the shower for hours and ignoring them.
