So with my 30th birthday creeping up on me I guess it’s finally time to face the sad truth: I shall never look good in skinny jeans. For years I’ve dieted, yoga’d and detoxed, yet even at my slimmest I still look like I’ve stuffed two sausages into denim. Immediately my thighs appear wider. Cast your eyes lower and it would seem I’ve replaced my knees with cinnamon swirls. Go to check out my footwear and before you’ve had time to appreciate my killer heels, you’ll notice I’ve suddenly birthed cankles. Yet for years I persevered, wincing as I waltzed around in great discomfort.
I suppose another thing I’ve learnt is how to dress for my shape. My friend Scarlett and I spend hours in hysterics over the fashion choices of our teens and early twenties (circa ’01-’07). In years gone by I’d pair denim mini skirts (cut even shorter to give a frayed look) with Wheels & Dollbaby vests and calf length cowboy boots. Ra-ra skirts teamed with white stilettos. Jane Norman snakeskin tops with capri pants. Backless Handkerchief tops complimenting those unforgiving Miss Sixty Jeans, the already tight waist accentuated by an overpriced Mikey diamanté belt. Plunging neckline dresses held together with a diamanté clasp across the cleavage from Kookai. All of the above were purchased two sizes below my actual dress size resulting in me resembling a joint of ham, you know, with the stringy stuff wrapped around it?
This wasn’t helped by the excessive use of sun beds enhanced by liberal applications of St Tropez and ‘cappuccino’ hair. For those of you too young or classy to remember, cappuccino hair was bleach blonde on top with a chocolately brunette through the bottom layers.
Thankfully, as the years went by, I learnt from my disastrous choices. I noted skirts were more flattering on my frame. That my waist and back were two of the few good assets I had and were not to be hidden by the oh so fashionable (at the time) pussy bow blouses, that high waisted items were a good investment and that a natural skin tone works best.
Should any young girls be reading this, please remember, just because it’s fashionable doesn’t mean you’ll look fashionable wearing it… Oh, and buy your actual size. There is nothing wrong with being curvier/skinnier/lankier/shorter than your friends and if it’s really bothering you then just cut the bloody labels out – no one will ever know!
Luckily social media and iPhones weren’t really a thing when I was prancing about to Nelly in an off white, crystal embellished asymmetric slip dress but unfortunately you don’t have that luxury…
