29 days till 30.
I’m sat at my desk fending off customer complaints and I don’t feel any different. I still have almost zero tolerance for the general public and realised just this morning on the tube, I’ve still not completed any of the goals I set myself when I turned 21:
One.
Complete the monkey bars.
Two.
Practice yoga every day till I look like Jennifer Aniston circa ’99. Actually, make that Jennifer Aniston circa any year.
Three.
Have a proper career.
Four.
Get over my fear of lawn mowers.
Five.
Use a lawn mower.
Six.
Sex on a swing.
Highly ambitious I know. You’d at least think I’d have ticked off the swing sex, but no, the opportunity never arose. I would like to point out at this stage that I mean on an actual sex swing and not in a children’s play area.
Sex! Sex is meant to change in your thirties! “Oh you’re just so much more confident in your thirties”, “Oh you’ll know your body more in your thirties, you’ll know what you like.” According to experts males are at their sexual peak around the age of 18, whilst women have to slog along, tirelessly tossing, tit wanking and teasing away until we hit 30 and bam! We hit a sexual peak of our very own.
Mulling this over in my mind I wonder, will I, at the stroke of midnight, morph into some sort of horny teenage boy, masturbating at any God-given opportunity, lurking about at grotty clubs hoping to get fingered and maybe even shagged? I bloody hope not.
Being quite a seasoned wanker (in the most literal sense) this concerns me. Any higher a sex drive to accommodate could become quite the inconvenience. Well, sat twiddling my thumbs in the office, I’ve not yet noticed any rampant urges to start shagging all the live long day. This of course, could all change when I am officially 30.
This induces a slight panic, how am I to fit it all in? There would be no bloody chance of me ticking off my other goals if that were to be. Just in case I plan to attack the monkey bars at the weekend. This, I decide, might also give me clarity and I may discover what I’m actually meant to do with my life.
