Having written an instructive little piece on dating apps and how to wheedle out the dodgy men for this site I've realised that, on reflection, I was slightly unfair to focus on the men. In some cases women can be just as crafty when it comes to luring in a male via the magical medium of online dating. You could be chatting away to a curvy blonde with a love for baking and house music, or perhaps a brazen brunette with perky boobs and a passion for outdoor pursuits but end up picking up the bill for someone three sizes larger than her pictures, who's never gone for a jog let alone participated in that triathlon she claimed was the reason she didn't text back for hours and whose sole aim (despite declaring she's only after something casual) it is to get you up that aisle before the year is out.
Just as not all men are rogues, not all women are cooking up ways to bamboozle you into marriage, but there are a few who let the side down and apps such as Tinder and POF (Plenty of Fish) are a fantastic way for them to slip through the net, straight onto your arm, digging their nails in, until blood is drawn and you are unwillingly introducing them to your parents for fear of your own life.
One poor little sausage I know was fooled into believing he and a "laid back Netflix junkie" were on exactly the same page… Within a fortnight she was greeting him outside his place of work with a packed lunch and had taken to parking opposite his flat to see if he was returning home alone.
Now I'm not saying these wonderful little apps can't be just the ticket to helping you find true love, get over an ex or even just get your willy wet – whatever you're in the market for, it can be found, but just as men can get a simple shag from a short paragraph about wanting to "find the one" alongside a few carefully chosen pics of them cradling their niece, some women can babble on about wanting something casual when really they've named your babies.
Whatever you're in the market for I've compiled a few quick and easy questions that can be masked as playful conversation when you're in that early texting stage to aid you in distinguishing what she's really after. Do you have a potential chilled GF on your hands or a bunny boiling husband maker?
1. Were you an early walker or an early talker? An early walker = Always on the go. Athletic… She will outrun you every time, could be embarrassing. An early talker = Will probably never stop talking. Potentially a gossip. Will keep you awake at night, asking questions, whilst staring at you whilst you try to sleep.
2. What was your childhood pet? A cat = sensual, sly, sometimes sulky, usually independent. Most likely to seduce you then fuck off. A dog = loyal, loving, enthusiastic, outdoorsy… Enjoys long walks. A house rabbit = cutesy, cuddly… more than likely a Disney fan. At first she'll let you chill indoors as she's not too house proud, in some cases you may even get away with chewing the wires and even pooing on the floor but she'll soon get bored, shove you outside and only invite you in when she has visitors to impress. A snake = she will hunt you like prey, be awesome in bed, then eat you alive.
3. In the popular '90s show Saved By The Bell, did you prefer Zack Morris (Mark Paul Gosselaar) or A.C Slater (Mario Lopez)? Zack = she wants a cheeky chappy, cute and funny, someone to get into trouble with. A.C Slater = She wants a meathead she can make carry her bags, pay for her spray tans and show off to her friends at school reunions etc.
4. In your lunchbox at school were your sandwiches cut into A) four triangles? =neat and precise. Academic. Tidy. Usually has a great career with a strong head for business and perhaps a penchant for S&M. B) four squares? = of a cheery disposition with dreams of becoming a good home maker and wife. C) cut into two oblongs? = no messing about, straight talking, mature, honest… Probably an early developer, she knew the facts of life before anyone else and was the first in a training bra. Comfortable with her body and sex. D) no sandwich just a salad = boring. Salads are great, and for some of us, a necessity in later life but at that age? She will be cellulite free though and generally quite flexible.
5. Were you a bed wetter?
Alex Neve is an actress/stand up with big love for pesto, gin and anything that will make her bottom appear smaller and slightly firmer. She can do a forward roll (returning to stand) and once directed Geri Halliwell to the Hermes section in Harrods. Her goal this year is to achieve her childhood dream – successfully cross monkey bars. Her personal best to date is bar two. You can follow her on Twitter HERE!
Pictured: Suggested first date outfit, below Alex Neve
