godparent
ˈgÉ’dpÉ›Ër(É™)nt/
noun
a person who presents a child at baptism and promises to take responsibility for their religious education.
Well Evoleht, I can't promise you your religious education will be up to par. I was awarded a B for RE at GCSE level but only took the option because we were promised a trip to Thorpe Park. We never got to ride that glorious log flume unfortunately, it was merely a sly ploy to bump up the numbers on the course. I should probably also mention I was branded sacrilegious for opting for Madonna's 'Like A Prayer' when tasked with designing our own funeral/celebration of life, as a piece of music that summed me up.
I was delighted when your Mum asked me to be your godmother, but also a little surprised. You see, not only did I feel it appropriate to opt for a qualification purely because I thought I'd be able to spend an entire day riding roller coasters, I'm also of a scatty disposition. I've flitted from job to job, flirted with the idea of everything from burlesque dancing to escaping to a Buddhist retreat and meditating for months on end… Perhaps I'm more equipped to handle your religious education than first thought? However, I don't imagine your mum would be too thrilled if I suggested you flee to a meditation paradise, the other side of the world, purely because I'd read about it in an issue of Vanity Fair. In short, at times I probably wouldn't have been considered the best of influences.
From the moment I learnt you were going to be a little girl I knew I'd fall in love with you… Primarily because I could but you pink things. I remember the announcement well. I was led down, gin in hand, my face generously lathered in Sisley's Black Rose cream mask and had managed to maintain the same position for a good ten minutes, only moving to raise the gin to my mouth. Then your mum rang, I sat bolt upright, swore a lot (something I do try to abstain from doing around you and your brothers… It's a work in progress) and then had a little cry.
As expected (you are your mother's daughter after all and followed two cherubic brothers) you were just as scrumptious as we all knew you'd be.
Recently, I escaped to your house from London after I'd got myself in a little pickle (you can learn from my mistakes, of which there are plenty). Your mum, as she always was, is now and ever shall be, was the friend I needed. She made me laugh, fed me gossip and cooked up a cracking roast, gently guiding me to the realisation I was not actually in a pickle at all… Just severely hungover. But thank God I was because it meant I got to spend an entire weekend with you. By the way, thank you for not wriggling when your mum trusted me to bath you (I was petrified I'd drop you, although I feel I concealed my terror well). You were a little sick in my hair but I'll let you off as, if anything I felt it was a bonding experience.
Your mum is one of the best people anyone could ever wish to meet. She is in possession of the kindest of hearts, has a wonderful sense of humour, is blessed with a sense of style that numerous times I've tried to emulate, failing drastically. She is also bloody gorgeous so you will have no worries in the looks department, something you'll find will open you a lot of doors and get you many a free drink (when you're 18 of course… I didn't touch a drop of alcohol until I was of age and I expect you to follow suit please… That is an bare faced lie, but trust me, you don't want to end up having to be collected from a medical room by your mother and carted off in front of the boy you've had a crush on for the majority of your childhood).
If anyone is capable of bringing up their daughter to be a confident, strong, yet graceful woman – it's your mum. Your dad is equally awesome. You are lucky enough to have four brothers who will always have your back. Your grandparents are doting and will spoil you rotten. I haven't seen your Uncle Lee properly in years but he did suffer every single one of the dance shows your mother and I were in so he's pretty much a saint in my eyes.
Blessed with a family like that, there's not much more I can bring to the table, especially as I spent the majority of my RE classes daydreaming about Leonardo DiCaprio and log flumes, sometimes combining both Leo and Log Flumes in the same daydream (what a magical day out that would be!), but I can offer you some sort of education. I hereby do solemnly declare to introduce you to Beyoncé (not in person unfortunately, just her music), Laduree Macarons, the music of The Rolling Stones, the films of Marilyn Monroe and aid you in creating the perfect Kate Moss feline flick (thank you Charlotte Tilbury make up tutorials – I am forever in your debt).
I also promise many girly days out with you and your mum. I'll take you to the haven that is Liberty's, buy you lots of presents, then we shall all eat macaons and it will be heavenly.
On a side note here a few bullet points I've collected along the way to guide you through life:
• Don't get too attached to hamsters or any other rodent type pets… Charming as they are, their life expectancy is short and it will undoubtably end in heartbreak. Attempting to 'bring them out of hibernation' by plonking their poor lifeless body on the windowsill during a hot summers day whilst sobbing hysterically will also do nothing but aggravate your parents and leave you with a puffy face from all the tears.
• Never, ever diet! Especially those of the crash variety (The Cabbage Soup/ The Cranberry Cleanse/The Master Cleanse etc). All will leave you snappy from lack of nutrients and more than likely bless you with a breakout on your chin. I can't imagine it ever being an issue as your Mum is sickeningly petite but they never work and you'll end up larger than before.
• Participate in P.E at school. Don't see fielding in a game of Rounders as an opportunity to smoke and compare belly button piercings with your friends which is exactly what I chose to do and quite bafflingly it's one of my biggest regrets.
• Always be nice to the staff on cosmetic counters because a)they give good samples,I refer you to the afore mentioned Sisley mask (darling product but hideously expensive) and b) I've done that job, it's vile, plus their feet will be hurting from stuffing them into heels for eight hours a day, carrying me nicely to my final piece of sage advice…
• Heels! For me they are essential but who knows perhaps you'll be lucky enough to be able to rock some Converse? If you do find yourself drawn to the heel, start early. I lost all feeling in my feet years ago allowing me to sport a towering heel on a daily basis. They do say "The higher the heel, the closer to God". I think that qualifies me as being absolutely capable of Religious guidance.
Alex Neve is an actress/stand up with big love for pesto, gin and anything that will make her bottom appear smaller and slightly firmer. She can do a forward roll (returning to stand) and once directed Geri Halliwell to the Hermes section in Harrods. Her goal this year is to achieve her childhood dream – successfully cross monkey bars. Her personal best to date is bar two. You can follow her on Twitter HERE.
Pictured: Fairy Godmother, new Godmother Alex Neve
