At the end of this year I will be getting married. And boy, was I woefully underprepared for just how pernicious the wedding industry can actually be. I had an inkling. I had watched Don’t Tell The Bride and Four Weddings. But it wasn't until I plunged head first into its murky depths that I realised just how much this multi-billion pound industry is invested in making women feel terrible about themselves.
My story begins, like so many bad decisions, with a cheap deal on Groupon.
“Let’s go to a wedding fair! Look, four tickets for £9!” I suggested to my bridesmaids.
“It sounds horrendous” they chorused.
“It’ll be hilarious!" I continued. "We can laugh at all the terribly kitsch gowns! And try on ugly tiaras! What a wonderful bonding experience it will be!”
And so we found ourselves in the spectacularly unromantic surroundings of the Excel Centre, London. We were greeted by dead-eyed and despondent stall holders, and a general veil of doom and desperation pervaded throughout the over-sized venue. There were stands for teeth whitening, dieting, and of course, follicule plucking. Eyebrows too patchy? No problem, one of the stall-holders can paint a scouse brow on you for your big day for just £33. We peered inside our goody bags to behold the depressing sight of diet pills and a Weight Watchers snack bar. No one, of course, wants a fat bride!
The message, then, is that I must be waxed, painted and tanned within an inch of my life, my skeletal figure gliding down the aisle on My Big Day (in £400 satin shoes, natch). As the fount of all feminist knowledge Caitlin Moran advises in How To Be A Woman…. 'You can tell whether some misogynistic societal pressure is being exerted on women by calmly enquiring, "And are the men doing this, as well?" If they aren’t, chances are you’re dealing with what we strident feminists refer to as ‘some total fucking bullshit’.'
I’m sure my fiance’s preparations will probably consist of a bath and maybe a haircut. He will not be spending £2,000 on a diamante dress made of nylon. Although, to be fair, I haven’t asked him.
Flicking through bridal magazines, there seems to be little or no mention of the groom. It's not about him. This is, after all, The Best Day Of Your Life. You are at the peak of your attractiveness. After that one special day, you will morph into haggard old ‘'er indoors,’ pumping out babies, so make the most of being at your peak of attractiveness. Tis all downhill from here, ladies.
In bridal magazines there is a (very) thinly veiled (pardon the pun…) undercurrent of making women feel like they are not good enough. This is a problem I have with many women’s magazines in general (and I’m sure I’m not alone in this), but put into overdrive in any publication about upcoming nuptuals. I don't envy these magazine editors their jobs – trying to come up with new and spectacular ways to present expensive crap you don’t need (£190 ring cushion, anyone?) takes bullshitting skills I can only dream of. Theirs is a world of perfect teeth and hair, where your Auntie Maureen isn’t drunkenly dancing the Macarena in front of a bemused and frightened groomsman.
And so we left the wedding fair, hands laden with flyers full of crap nobody needed, as depressed as the stall holders themselves. A motorbike convention was going on in the next room, creating a strange juxtaposition of brides-to-be and hairy men in leathers in the foyer. I knew which group I’d rather be hanging out with. Decision made – a Hairy Bikers themed wedding it is! I’ll be Dave.
Isobel Matheson is the Producer of the Funny Women Awards
Pictured: The movie Bridesmaids is Isobel Matheson's inspiration for her wedding day!
